Difference between revisions of "Hezichiakon"

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EZEXIAKΩN EZECHIACA I.

Updated for the modern reader of the IX. century A.D. ¶Updated again, after extensive interviews with living sources, at this end of the year A.D. CM.

Ezechias was the first to assemble a list of the origins, provenances, and distributions, of magic items he possessed or desired. He collected what items he could, but it is unlikely he enjoyed them: he was told by Dominus Deus that everything he had assembled would one day be stolen by Nabuchodonosor. Furthermore, Ezechias has a change of heart at some point, and destroyed at least the Nacasa of Moses, and possibly everything else—who has ever heard of the magic items of Ezechias? Nevertheless, it is traditional to name for this worthy king all compilations of such relics, of which this is only the newest and most up-to-date. Incipit volume I. of IIJ.

The pole ax of Lycurgus Arabicus was a gift of his father Mars; it could not save him from being entangled in hedera-vines by Ambrosia, so Mars then further caused it to grant free action, that his son should not be so humiliated again at the hands of the Bacchæ. Lycurgus, blind and mad, bore it from Arabia to Thraca. There it fell into the hands, after his death, of Mænades, out for revenge. They passed it along among themselves, but they lost it in the waning of the pagan days, somewhere in the Mare Internum, some say to rogue Gnosii.

Mimunicus and Limme, the sword and helm of Vitegus, were crafted by Volunder, prince of smiths, and disappeared into the sea with their bearer—where one of the three, at least, belonged. ¶At Theodoricus’ decree, Vitegus himself, a lesser smith, made the helm Vigar, which he sent to Artu as either a gift or indemnity.

After Hodus died, the sword of Miminicus returned to the troll, or satyr some say, who crafted it, and he has been passing it around the Gardani ever since. It was called at times Runticus, such as when Unfers killed his brothers with it; in Herota he gave it to Lupapium, but the Gotus figured out its perils rather quickly. He returned it to Unfers, who brought it, a-viking, to Hibernia, where it was next seen briefly in the hands of the Hibernic prince Moroltus before returning to the Gardani, and their peninsula. It is conspicuous, whatever its name, for the vines encircling it, and for the crazy-eye of its wielder. ¶Of course, the northlands are filled with cursed swords, such as the spell-slashing Tufinicus and the heart-rending [lit. liver scattering—jecurem jactans] sword of Septemaquæ and even, perhaps, the great Gramma. These will all be covered later.

In the philoprogenitive north—“vagina of nations,” as Jordanes has put it—the Gardani, Eruli, Juti, Goti, Suiodæ, Norgæ, Fennæ, Sami, Alpæ, Nani, Uldri, and Eoteni squabble not only over swords, but also over abounding rings of ambiguous utility, the rings of Miminicus and Nibelus, e.g.g., the least baneful of which may be Suiagris; and yet even this has been the witness to much tragedy. It was possessed by the Amazonic Olava, and Helcius, brother of the more famed Roticar of Herota, beheld it and desired it, and her. When he courted her she humiliated him, shaving him and coating him with tar. In revenge he later slipped back to her island and raped her; he had the ring at last. The resulting daughter was Ursa, who was raised as a shepherdess, and Helcius, encountering her years later, fell in love. They were married in ignorance of their consanguinity, and had a son named Rofus, but Olava maliciously informed Ursa of her true paternity, and Ursa, confirming the story by finding the hidden ring, fled to Suioda, taking Suiagris, where she married Adlis, Lupapium’s friend. The ring and all the treasure of the Gardani was her dowry, so how could even the most powerful of kings resist her? Helcius went to claim his bride, or at least his ring, but Adlis slew him in single combat. Rofus, Lupapium’s friend, went north to avenge his father, and hacked Adlis’s notorious castle filled with traps. Overwhelmed by Adlis and his men, he fled, laden with treasure. As he crossed the marshy plain near Salaflumen, he scattered the gold behind him, and the soldiers stopped to pick it up. Finally, with only Adlis pursuing, Rofus dropped the Suiagris behind him, and when Adlis stooped to pick it up, Rofus stabbed him in the back. “I have bent the back of the most powerful man in the north!” Rofus crowed, as he fled, but of course his victory was hollow, for Adlis lived, and had the ring. It has since been passed down through the line of kings of his cold and mournful nation, all of whom have since had power over the bodies of the dead and inanimate.

Adlis also won from Onelas, Rofus’ uncle and his own, the torque he had stripped from the corpse of Hielacus, detailed elsewhere; and from Alius the Norges [alius=”the other”] the helmet Porcobellum [Battle-pig] and the mail shirt Finnilegatum [Finnus’-bequest]. They were probably also made by dwarves, everything up there is. Porcobellum is still in Suioda, but Finnus’-bequest was broken down into rings, originally to be distributed to an all-conquering army; but, when this did not pan out, neither did the general recall, and for C. years the rings were everywhere on the black markets, welcomed into and smuggled out of various countries. Etana herself owned IJ.

The true cross was, as everyone knows, fashioned from the wood of the Tree of the Fruit of Knowledge of Good and Evil; after many adventures it was buried, found later by Elena, and brought to Constantinopolis, where it was festooned with gems. Theodosius, in turn, sent it to Milana as a gift for Ambrosius. Etila conquered Milana, along with most everything else, and pried the gems from the cross before burning it. But the pieces where XP’s blood touched it would not burn, so Etila used that part as the hilt of a sword, which he dedicated to Mars, a god of war he thought, in his confused barbaric imagination, was in opposition to the Xpianus god of peace. The Mavortius sword was stolen by Valtarius, and is now in the possession of Germanii. No one who speaks Germanic can be an evil man, saith the proverb; may they therefore make good use of it!

Along the holiest of swords is Durendalis, possessed first by Hector and later by Rolandus; it may have been seized by the Arabes, and it may have been broken. ¶This, along with other holy swords, such as Cuernbitus and the sword of the Agathyrsi, will be covered in depth in a later volume, but here is the time to speak of the more-or-less holy sword of Alius Arabicus [alius=”the other”], Dualficarus, so called because of its dual nature. It was once a pagan sword of the bloodthirsty Himiari of Jomen, including their Judaic final king, Dunuvas, who rode into the sea to escape capture. The sword miraculously washed up on shore, and into the hands of the virtuous ruler in XP, Abrahas Semios. He gave it to Mahundus Ebekusæ in Sana, but Urvas son of Haiadus slew him in Mutara, and the sword fell into the hands of Judaic and pagan bandits. At Bader the Musilimi took hold of it, and Alius engraved thereon his name. But Alius was deposed, and who should wield the sword became a controversy. From Hosen it was taken by Amer Ebensadus, from Amer Ebensadus it was taken by Almucter, from Almucter it was taken by Musabus, etc. Ever the Otamii desired it, for they are subject to no laws, and the sword to them is like an open book, in which is written all things. In theory it was the property of the holiest warrior of the diadochia, but at times a stopgap solution was accepted, however unreliable. Eventually the sons of Batsinecus, XIX.° son of Ocus, won it on the battlefield near the Euxinus, and while Curias cannot use it himself (obviously), he has never had a shortage of applicants for the job. As befits a sword that has passed back and forth between enemies, the Dualficarus is both holy and unholy, both long and short, both a stab from the front and a stab from the back, both heroic and cowardly, depending on who wields it. And so, after a fashion, are all swords.

The great sword of Goliath, which a normal man must wield with IJ. hands, was taken by David, along with its scabbard of salamander scales, and passed along to Salomon, who bedecked it with gems of soul stealing, and wrought such magic upon it that it could only be drawn by the most righteous of warriors. His foreign wife, ashamed that the king himself could not draw it, set it sailing in a magical boat crafted from bark of the descendents of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, until it reached Cævella. Here it was found, still in the boat, but Ioseph of Arimethea, who sailed under the Somesilda and brought it with King Mordrænus to Britannia. Here Mordrænus had an unfortunate accident with the sword, and he thrust it into a stone, and hurled the scabbard into the Lake of the Shank of the Evening. The scabbard was taken by the sorceress Nimua, who, by dint of its power to change shape to accommodate what was thrust into it, used it for her own creation, a sword called Calburnius. Some say that Balinus used the sword of Goliath, some that it remained in the stone until it was drawn by a knight called Glahadius, or Gladius. It was buried with him in the Sancral castle.

Nero Claudius Drusus, the son of the emperor Augustus, was known for his magical short sword, which he plundered from Germania. It was buried with him in his mausoleum in Moguntiacum. His nephew, J. Cæsar Drusus, was so jealous that he did not receive the sword after his uncle’s death that he designed a sword modeled after it, which he insisted be called after him, but people just called it a Drusus. Drusus’ mausoleum served as a popular pilgrimage site until one bitter winter when Alani, Vandali, et al. under Crocus came to get their sword. According to legend, they found the tomb empty. Some say Crocus used a ring that controlled the weather that night, which he, or his heirs, lost probing too deeply into the mysteries of Illyris.

The white-handled Dirnvin was crafted by Morgana in emulation of the feats of Nimua. She passed it to her son Ovan, who, with his flaming sword, ring of the raven, Guitbullus, and enormous lion, made quite a name for himself in Locres. His ending is obscure, but he may have fallen, along with most of Arthur’s knights, at Camlannia. The sword passed to the Cambric king of Alta Clota, Ritericus Hal. Guentolus got the Guitbullus, but he was slain in Arturetta by Ritericus Hal, which perhaps proves which item was the more potent. Ritericus Hal died in bed, the same year as Columba, the murderer of Hibernia, the savior of Caldonia, the terror of the thunder lizards. The sword, it is said, was given to Carolus Magnus, who gave it to his son Lois Pius, from whom it was stolen, along with his enchanted armor, by the order of paladins he tried and failed to create to fight Valas. The paladins were all executed, but the secret of the items died with them; all they gave was a curse on any Gallican king who murders orders of knights to get their treasure. [Not Valas, but Wallace of Armorica. -Al Khidr]

Adlis’ brother Enmuntus possessed a giant-forged sword, which he lost when the outlaw Veostan slew him. Veostan brought the sword and the body to Onelas, Enmuntus’ uncle, but the latter forbore to declare a blood feud or even demand the man-price, instead letting Veostan go. When Veostan had grown old, he gave the sword to that child of his old age, Viclafis. Viclafis was the stealthiest of men, and carried the sword when he slipped into a dragon’s hoard filled with strange and ancient items and an even stranger dragon, and stole a precious cup. When Lupapium and his followers later fought the dragon, which was wingless, venomous, and covered in seaweed, Viclafis alone, aided by the sword of Enmuntus, made his fear save. ¶After the dragon and Lupapium were both dead, Viclafis, having gained a great deal of experience from the dragon, found himself in charge of a kingdom with no strong leader and the largest hoard of gold, comprised of small spheres and other strange things, such as a gold banner, the north had ever seen. The Goti did not last too long in this situation, but whether Viclafis slipped away with his sword is unknown. What is known is that the gold banner, on which octopus slaughtered dragon and crab in strange thread, fell to marauding Merovinciani, and the precious cup, which had started the whole imbroglio, to the Jutii and then, after more fighting, to Lotus of the isles of Orcænia. Morcasa, their duchess, discovered how to manipulate its wonderful power by dissolving gold in it along with the water, but before she could make much use of the discovery, for example to usurp her sister’s role or demon lover, her son the scion of Orcænia gave the cup away to the foreigner Benlaton, said to be so swarthy he appeared green, in exchange for a lesson of some sort. Gavæn had reason to regret his generosity, when he became convinced that this cup was the cup he and his party sought, although of course he was wrong. Benlaton had meantime taken the cup on his wanderings, and he learned, at the expense of an exploding Boethius, whom he had planned to help escape, that one should not drink from the cup twice in a row. He finally gave it to his champion Hamsas, for he believed that the descendents of one who rediscovered Agar’s well would be able to conquer the world. Wrong horse.

Samsum was one of the swords of Salomon, but disappeared in the confusion of the divided kingdom and ended up in Jomen, where the Jomenic and later Æthiopic kings bore it. Abrahas carried it to Meccha astride the great white Elephas mamutus, but it was rescued from his corpse by a partisan, who brought it back to Jomen where it reached the hands of the apostate poet Amer son of Madiceribus. He lost it, in his bid for power, and it became the sword of the schismatics, until the time of Harun. Abunuas, in fear for his life, stole it and brought it to Ægyptus, where it was stolen in turn by Abraham, son of Alcasib, who, bewitched, took it Bassora, where he died, and it passed to the mistress of purity. But along the way it was damaged, or some say cursed by the diadochus. ¶Acraba is Salomon’s other sword, the bane of all genii, but he could fight with both only when enlarged. ¶For the record, he also owned the celeritous Cumquam and Dulajam, just in case he found one of those elusive four-armed potions said to still be buried beneath the glass sea of Arabia Infelix. The Arabes found both scimitars, in any event, and when their schismatic empire schismed the former fell among the Omaji, the latter the Aglabii; although frankly both swords and sects are hard to tell apart, and this could be backwards.

The great sword of Nabuchodonosor, which some say he seized from the Cimmerii, was lost for M. years in the wilderness around Tamia when the great king went mad. There it was found by Brunamon, who brought it to Hiberia, only to see it destroyed in combat with Ogier the Gardanus, who faced him not with either of his famous swords, Cortanis or Savagina, but with a simple metal rod, which disintegrated after the first blow. But Ogier, whose bone ship he dug up from some bog, and who managed to locate among his countrymen the one sword of Theodoricus’ that had not been taken away by Virginalis, was never at a loss to find magic, and he bragged that he knew where more examples of the wondrous rod could be found. But he never told, and sailed west, and disappeared from history.

Cortanis was itself originally called Næcelincus, a sword forged by the dwarves of old for use against the giants; it had been captured by giants, who, unable to destroy it, hid it away for centuries in the east, until Theodoric slew the purple giant Grimmus, and stole the sword from his widow. When Theordoic acquired the superior sword Eccisax, he gave Næcelincus to Hamas, who took it with him through his betrayal and repentance. He kept it in the monastery of Viliten at Œnipons, where he was hiding under the name Ludvicius, but unfortunately this monastery was sacred to the giants, having been founded some C. years before by their leader Hæmo the Dragonslayer, and there was no way to keep the sword’s location a secret. The giant Aspillia arrived first, and sought the sword, but Hamas came out of retirement for one last mission and slew the giant. When he tried to reenter the monastery, though, he was refused; Viliten had been founded as repentance for violence, and Hæmo had embraced pacifism upon its founding; the monks would not let a warrior enter. Hamas and the monks disagreed on this point, and they disagreed so strongly that eventually several monks lay dead, and the monastery in flames. Hamas fled, and Theordoric offered to take him back into his service, but Hamas’ heart was not in it. He wandered away, and the giants fell upon him in force. He fought long against them, but fell in the end, and the giants had reclaimed Næcelincus. ¶Fearful of Theordoric’s empire, and his alliances to the east, they brought the sword north, but were slain in battle by the Frisic Dæraphon, the Raven of the Day. Luapium slew Dæraphon with his bare hands and acquired his third magic weapon, to match Valsaxum and the enormous Eoteniscus that melts and reforms like water. When he fell against the strange dragon, his sword was destroyed, and buried with him, but Ogier plundered it, and brought it to the dwarves, who reforged it as Cortanis (so called because in the reforging it ended slightly shorter than hitherto). And it disappeared with him, for though Falerina and Melissa sought him, they never returned from the adventure.

The small stone turtle referred to in the secret works of Heorodotus and Xenophon is one of the most obscure magical items. It is said to appear in the shape of a land overseas, the one whose creation caused Plato’s Atlantis to sink into the sea, because there was no longer anything underneath it. Anything like a turtle, i.e., or a whole lot of land. It has since disappeared, but Ptolemæus V. and Constantinus Magnus were undoubtedly among its possessors. Its power is vague but undisputed.

The priests of Ea, which name is short for Encias, wielded a small ax, in contradistinction to the great ax of the priestesses of Ops, for water is smaller than earth. Some say these axes would be produced freeform from primordial Chaos, some say they were crafted by the priesthood. They were in antiquity quite valued, and among their owners were Mida, Thasus, and Crassus—or, basically, anyone rich enough to afford one. ¶Thasus’ was weighted for throwing, and he sent it to Thynia, to help his brother against the winged Harpyiæ, albeit in vain; and it was brought thence in the Christian era, north by the Goti. But few examples survive of this once plentiful item; perhaps they have dissolved into the Chaos from which they sprang.

The ring of the anchor was given by Apollo to his son Seleucus. It was passed down among the kings of Media until Antiocus discovered its use, and used it to conquer Asia. With the decline of the Seleucii, the ring fell into the waters of Babylon, and sank like its image. The Medi searched high and low for the ring, but it was only years alter, during the Arabic conquest, that Abuser the Alexandrinus, a thief condemned to death, found it inside a fish. He loyally passed it to Mosenas Harris, who used it to vanquish the forces of the Amazonic Arsemia; but he did not live long thereafter. For to wear the ring is the privilege of the diadochus, and the diadochus alone, although should he be unable to for some reason, tradition dictates that some trusted assistant may hold stewardship. Sad made certain not to make the same mistake as his predecessor, and the ring remained silent until a palace was built over the fair of Bactad. Scæviben of Jason, we should note, claimed to have seen, on the finger of Abudus, the ring during its long absence underwater; but nobody trusts a Jomenic.

Rhadamanthus possessed a small wand, which he twisted and braided into a ring, in whose presence truth must be spoken. The honest murderer took it to Bœotia, where, at least according to Cleanthes, Democritus, and Heraclitus, it fell to the bottom of a well. How or if it got out is unknown; by its nature it is an object few would want. Abubacer may have worn it, but if he passed it along, it could not have stayed in the line for long. Harun’s lenses would not have terrified him as they did had he possessed such a ring to match his other, but even still, Clio would tell us that Otman, even, could have possessed no such item. Jævar the Boneless may have used it as a trap on his journey home. Olecius, prince of the Rusii, claims to possess it (or at least a similar ring, on which are etched characters he cannot read, which could be any characters, honestly) now; and how could he lie?

The jackals of Libye possess a magical pair of scissors, brought to Roma from Trebizond by a priest of Isis, and thence to Libye by Apuleius. The jackals took them from his grave, as is their habit, along with his potions and ointments. Jackals hate Arabes. The scissors have become, over the years, a sacred item to these simple animals, although they were never meant for jackals, but for the ritual of dismembered Tammus. They are very good at dismembering Tammus!

The rope of Bibiasifabasafa is only IJ. cubits long, but extends much further, and can climb and snake itself where it will. It was woven in the days of Nimrod by a sorceress of Armenia from the scales of the Canavari lashed together with reeds, and given to her son. He took it on many adventures (presumably), but it was lost somewhere in India, where over the years many a performer incapable of casting rope trick used this as a crude substitute. It was most famously used to bind their messiah Xpnas, but for M. years at a time it could stay lost. Heliseus Abuja spiraled into India from the east, and after he found the rope there his followers bore it back eastwards; from them it passed into other, strange, hands, until it had reached the ends of the earth, near the golden throne, to a land called Cocuria, where Cumoncius, more famous for his whip, used it to defeat Sonciancius. Only Benlaton could rescue it from such sunrise obscurity, and he did, old friend, and finally passed it to a trickster named Amer, and he brought it with Caled to Persis, and then with Abdalamanus to Albania, where he persuaded the natives that the Arab invaders were angeli against whom non-magical weapons would not function, so they were safe as long as no Albanics did any experimenting. After Abdalamanus and his entire army were slaughtered, Amer carried the rope east to the land of the beautiful Guldor, where he tried the angelus bit again. Unfortunately the sword of Erajus was known to work well against angeli, and there was no wanting for an experimenter. ¶The rope now rests in the treasury of the king of Robia, along with the papyrus shield, the chime of Alexander, the skin known as Deviana, the Zampillus that opens “in Adam’s name,” the robe of tricks, the sheet and net, and the Dotara, all to be used “against the Deu.”

Cadmus’ wedding was the first attended by the gods, in return, it said, for rescuing Juppiter from Tyhoeus by song. A gala affair: the boar was yoked to the lion, Jasius slept with Ceres in the mud, and Electra revealed the mysteries of Ops in the form of a stone. There was also the giving of the gifts. Apollo gave Noncadit [it does not fail], the fabled bow of burnished gold. He took it to Encælea and passed it to Illyrius, the son of his old age, in Buthoa; when Ephyræ fleeing the specter of Glaucus founded Epidamnus, this and the other gifts ended up there. But Epidamnus was fought over and conquered so many times that it may be impossible to know what happened to some of the things hidden therein. The bow somehow got to Hercules, who could not use it with his Hydra arrows and so gave it to Philoctetes, the first of many to conquer Paris. To Lemnus and Troja the bow went, and then back to Italia, where Philoctetes consecrated a temple to Apollo in Cirimissa before dying in Sybaris. The impious Romans seized it from the temple after the disaster at Quiberum, and brought it to Britannia, only to lose it to the Cornovii; it was next seen in the possession of Tristan. At Tristan’s death it passed to Isolta’s family, and then to the Hibernic monks, who sent it to Roma, for the papal treasury. Thence it was stolen by Ferumbra, but he could not get it to fire the arrows he wished it to, and he was forced to abandon it in his flight. It was taken north as spoils to give to the Saxonii, but disappeared along the way. ¶Juno (in contrast) gifted a throne, which stayed in Thebæ until its gates were destroyed by Alexander. The Macedones had it sent to Ctesiphon, where it was all but forgotten in the hullabaloo of the Diodachimachia, its power dormant and unknown, until victorious Arabes carried it to Cupha. Later Almucter activated it, after which it had to be carried around veiled, and none could sit upon it. It remained empty, like the mercy seat, when the Abbasicii moved their capital to Cupha, to be near an item sacred to the memory of the avenger of Alius, and they brought it back to Bactad. ¶Now, the necklace of concord had been forged to celebrate the birth of Cupido, and given earlier by Juppiter to Cadmus’ sister before Venus brought it to the wedding; its passage through the bigwigs of Thebæ is covered elsewhere, and after the Epigoni it ended up among the treasures of Cyrenæ, and taken to Apollo’s golden palace. ¶Mercurius’ caduceus of sleep (not a lyre, as some have said; Cadmus had his own lyre) ended up at Cyrenæ pretty quickly, among those whose eye winks never. ¶Mars’ gift remained in Epidamnus through the changes, its original name, indicating it was as sharp as a viper and as hard as a stone, corrupted into the macronic Echisaxum; when Theodoricus plundered Dyrrhachium, he took it and called it Eccisax. Virginalis, of course, took it with her ring to Hierasponta, never to be seen again. ¶But Menerva’s robe was hidden deep within the city, and never left, any more than the multihued robe Phœnix had picked up on his way from Carthago to Palestina. These are the treasures of Dyrrhachium, and they are somewhat less than its horrors.

Hercules had another bow, the Lesanus, with a chain for a string, which he had brought back from India and which he gave to his ophidian son Scythes, youngest son of the ophidian Scytha. The other ophidian sons got envenomed arrows and some Indic bronze bows; these they brought to Hiberia in search of Bebrix, ophidian daughter of Hercules and Pyrene. You will perceive that this is their half-sister, but such are the ways of Scythæ. ¶Hercules handed these arrows out like candy for a while, so copious and diffuse was the blood of the Hydra. Philoctetes, to his chagrin, carried some around even though he could not fire them. Pholus had one briefly. Etc.

The Trisula was found in the temple of the Destroyer by Alexander’s general Cleitus the White. He dedicated it to Neptunus, as was tradition, and used it to be invincible at sea until he was slain by Lysimachus in Thraca. The Trisula was buried with him, but was dug up by the Emperor Nero, who defeated a most unwarlike Amazonis to claim it. He brought it to the east, for his many adventures there, and it disappeared from history along with him, although some say it was returned to the grave of Cleitus, where it belongs.

The spear Telegonus used to kill his father had been forged by Volcanus at the instigation of Circæ. For its head, he used a stingray the triton Phorcus had slain. Telegonus carried this spear not to Ithace, but the mainland, and then overland to Italy, where he founded Tusculum. The spear was deemed too dangerous to use, and was buried with him.

Argalia, prince of India, came west to seize warriors to fight against the Tartarii; Ferumbra slew Argalia, the plan failed, and Albraccha fell. What is salient here is that Argalia had IJ. of the items of Alexander with him: the horn of fear and the golden lance he’d used to slay Cleitus. He’d given it to Porus, but it was stolen from him by the Tagii, and passed among their warring factions, until Argalia brought it to the beloved of bovine Juppiter, as she is called. Astolfus of Mercia, Argalia’s captive, a better sneak than a fighter, slipped away with both, but, after he had become a tree, the Tagii of Polosce conclusively brought the lance north, where it remains. ¶Rolandus got the horn; the tree went to the moon after reclaiming his humanity. Sometimes these texts seem like the fever dreams of a madman.

The spear of Vaxas overcame the shield of Garsaspus, for while the shield blocked one end, the other end struck true. So perished Hamsas, uncle of infamy. With this spear Vaxas also slew the pretender Mosælma, who even the Musilimi acknowledge is a false prophet, and he was clad in enchanted armor (which Vaxas gave to his general Caled). After Vaxas’ death, other Æthiopes took the spear to their homeland, to try to claim it for their schismatic god, but in the mountains of Eritrea they were treacherously betrayed by the Judæi, who stole the spear and mastered the art of slaying with its twin blades, probably through trickery.

Noe’s spear was the spear of snakewood. He dropped it overboard, but it has been seen by some in the intervening years; yet its power makes it hard to carry. ¶His adze is in Constantinopolis; Artassis had fetched it from the mountains of Armenia, but, nemesis being what it is, viz. a bitch, he could not hold it long; by Dominus Deus’ grace, and despite the puling of Anahita, the conquering Persæ did not toss it into the Tacti Salomonis, where their god Haturcusaspus burns beneath the waters, for fellow Xpiani brought it to the safety of the impregnable land walls.

Some say the deadliest spear in Britannia is the poisoned stone spear of Isbaton, which Estultus the Orgilis wielded in his persecution of the dwarves at Fer, others Artu’s Ron, or Roncæminiadus. But still others say another one has been lost in Britannia, where no one can find it, and this one most ancient.

Herclius’ cap, with its ability to soothe sufferers of even the most heinous diseases, was in fact gifted to that emperor in a chivalrous act by the schismatic Omar. The cap’s origins are unknown, although the magical inscription found therein, “Bismilla arramani arra himi,” point to a Musilimic source, and the early date limits the possibilities. Mahundus himself had a silver ring (lost by Otman) similarly inscribed, so he may be its creator, even. In any event, the emperors of Constantinopolis kept the cap until the diadochia of Almutasim, who accepted it as a return gift after he magnanimously abandoned Amorium. It was buried with him.

The origins of the magical fortresses of Dæron are unknown, but certainly the diabolus Œus possesses several. He made one for the cursed general, or merchant captain, known only as a spiral or as the Syrus (both for his wanderings), who is better known for wrestling Samson and usually losing. He saw a lion filled with bees among the Philisthim in Thamnatha and built no fortress there, passed Tyrus and Cyprus and Gaza and he built no fortress there, but in the days of Pije he acquired from Œus a fortress as mysterious as the Syrus himself, somewhere in the sicarii-cursed desert.

The surmæ of Salomon was left by that king in Caph, and from there it was traded to the Racsasæ of India, where it was believed to be a fingernail of the god Valla, who is, if I understand this corrupt text correctly, regarded by them as the mother of Mercurius. Ptolemæus brought it back to Ægyptus, lost it to Demetrius in Lebanon, had it returned, and lost it at sea off Cyprus. Demetrius reclaimed not the surmæ but the pyxis it was carried it in, returned it to Ptolemæus, who passed it on to Cassander. Without the surmæ, we are as men chained in a cave, watching shadows prance on the wall. As, perhaps, we were always meant to be.

Ælfredus either created, or purchased from India, a gem for reading that which cannot be read. Its command word, in pidgin Hebræus and often misunderstood, is mechet gevyr.

The Mountain of Light is a gemerald originally given by Dominus Deus to Abraham, who wore it around his neck throughout his life. He had arranged, apparently by sorcery, to suspend it from the sun after his death, as a sign to the entire world of the glory of Dominus, but it did not hang there long. When Bacchus invaded India, Morrea the Black, confusing the different gods of the west, shot it down with Rama’s bow before he died (probably slain by Silenus in recompense for the slaughter of his sons, but the records are confused, listing Morrea at times as IJ. men). Bacchus brought the gem back to Greece as spoils, and deposited it in his temple at Thebæ, from which it was taken by Hercules during his brief stint as crown prince. Hercules brought it all the way back to India, where he lost it while drunk. Alexander claimed it as spoils, but it brought him nothing but doom, for it falls under the curse of the Bassarei, and as it is lucky for a woman so is it unlucky for a man. In either case, its possessor will become a great conqueror. The Morreans claimed it themselves by conquest and through hereditary right; Assoca conquered India as his wife wore it. It disappeared as the Morreans fell, but has resurfaced and submerged a dozen times since. It is still fought over in India, and is the cause of much strife; its current owner is the King of Hiampuduipe, who has affixed it to his crown to dazzle his friends and blind his enemies.

Of most ancient provenance are the Ceracrodili of Ægyptus, crawling out of tombs and turning to wax [in ceram convertens] in the hands of the wise. But much more ancient are the mysterious IV. humpizanes, said to be of the time of Suridus and Hujabus, lost forever in the labyrinth of Crocodopolis. When tales they could tell if they could be found, these repositories of the powers of the most ancient wizards! ¶But in our ignorance we must make due with accounts of more recent wizards: Ubavaner the Æthiops, Didius the Didusanafriansus, Pije the Nubianus, Nectanebus Ultimus, and Tutmoses whose staff has power over all living things, with significant resistance penalties provided the name of the wielder is written between the two horns, or hands, of the staff. The command word is manacpiria, but don’t bother memorizing that: the staff has been missing since a good ten or fifteen years before the holy family fled to Ægyptus. And everyone else has been missing much longer.

The elves of Hiberia possessed many items of power, which they buried with their kings among the many-handed dead, that humans should not wrest them from the grave. The Hibernic Etana plundered one such location, and came out with wondrous boots. After she had stolen the head of Sinamassota she found herself trapped in Maria, and had to slip out of the boots to escape. Zimrilim, predictably unpredictably, apparently threw the boots away, for a passing caravan brought them to Libye, where they were massacred by the free people to reclaim this treasure. ¶Etana’s famed cloak of the tarn, which was often assumed to have been of a matched set with her boots, is claimed by dwarves to be of dwarven make, but probably they merely modified the hood of darkness Perseus wore and Plato owned. Sicurtis acquired the cloak from the elven mage Alberis, and his daughter Aslaca was swaddled in it. It was taken from her after Sicurtis’ death, but its passage is by necessity largely unseen. What is known is that it reappeared in Britannia soon after, and kicked around Artu’s court, sometimes under the name of Lennus. That crafty Amer claimed to have had it next, perhaps brought to him, like so much else, by the peripatetic Benlaton. Its movements afterwards, their name is mystery. Now, Aslaca spent most of her preternaturally long life as a child incommunicado in the Marsenvelit, but when she surfaced again among the Gardani she had not only the cloak once more, but also a wondrous pair of shaggy pants. These latter she gave to her eventual husband, Racinar, but after he died in Britannia, she went to live with the elves, and lost the cloak to the wiles of a visiting Etana. ¶In her career, this worthy thief also acquired the magical sling of David in Hierusalem, Valsaxum in the Gotia, and the gladius of Belisarius in Costantinopolis, inter al. ¶Scæviben of Jason, we should note, claimed to have possessed a similar hat when by all rights it should have been, in cloak form, in Germania; but nobody trusts a Jomenic.

The Arabes, before they were misled, captured from the Persæ a sex robot named Ceris. Dominus knows where they got it, but their land is filled with ancient places and bottomless lakes and towers of silence. Haritus kept her to warn him of Persic assassins in Cirbata, but in the days of error the Musilimi noted that it was not a piece of fruit, and, calling it an image of forbidden Usa, smashed her to bits. She was said to be as cold and beautiful as the queen of Cyrpus.

Aslaca taught her daughters the secrets of weaving, and they created four magical banners, one of which their brother Uma brought to Britannia, which he rather predictably sought to conquer. The raven on the banner could speak and prophesy, but at Devon it could not see through the wiles of the exiled king Ælfredus, who fought Uma alongside Odas, but as was his wont in disguise, and claimed the banner as his own as he reclaimed his kingdom. Presumably his wife Elsuita still has it! ¶The other banners were carried by Racinar himself, Semidan, and Jævar the Boneless, said to be the strongest of men, but also the strangest, who rode on the back of the one once called Jævar, before his trip down the Volca; the explained what had happened, but it was weird and confusing, and didn’t really matter when the guy on your back could arm wrestle a giant.

Among the genii of the east, multiplex of wing and eye, the premiere magic item is the Zangala.

Britannia is home of many treasures, magical cauldrons and whetstones and a teleporting chariot and the Ring of Elunedia. Its greatest treasures are covered elsewhere (q.v.!), but worthy of inclusion here is the sword Caldabolcius, also called Galatina, which Gavæn used to slice the blue chains that held his king’s betrothed. Unfortunately, its provenance and properties are yet unknown. ¶We may also mention Artu’s shield Priven, made from the bones of an elephant, which was when he died taken by Alexander, who passed it on to his son Cligius; and thus Priven left Britannia, to be spelled thereafter with the II and the P.

Also Cligius, or rather his wife Phœnix, notoriously possessed potions of dreams and feign death, and the ointment of Cæoctomus. Less well known is the potion Cligius’ mother had brought, a safeguard in a distant land, from the treasure trove in the tower of fear of her own dead mother. Morcasa, the queen of air and darkness, had taken the recipe from the queen of Hibernia, or from the lees of a bottle found in the castle of Marcus in Cornova. But this potion never needed drinking.

The giant Feragus possessed ointment of Cæoctomus as well, which he had been given by Benlaton, shortly after the testing of Valentinus and Ursinus, nephews of Constantinus Iconoclastis (whose name is shit) and grandchildren of Pepinus. But the items these two acquired are covered more thoroughly in the entries for the flying horse of Sancsaber, the brazen head of India, etc.

Esarhadon wore the helm of the ichneumon when he conquered the paradisiacal island of the Dilmuni. Among the barrow-dwelling vengeance-obsessed Rommi, Palamedes found the helm. When he passed through Heracleopolis, everyone took off his hat, and saluted; in India, IX. men smiled. ¶He may have also ridden around on the arrow of Abaris; what is certain is that Palamedes wielded Harpe. In Ægyptus, they say (pace Hyginus) that Apollo used Harpe to slay Python, and then buried it near Lake Zætannus; Nenopercepta probably returned it there after he used it to threaten the King Apis of the South and North, for it is thence that Perseus dug it up, called it Gorgonophontus, and used it up through his war with Bacchus. Palamedes would have found it in Libye, or possibly Abyla, and he brought it north. He disappeared, of course, but the Fabri, apparently locating it some CL. years later, brought it back to the land of their origin, where Corda (the son of Dominus Superior Johannes the son of Johannes the son of Johannes the son of Johannes son of Johannes the slave of Cligius) found it hidden in the rafters after his father’s death. Corda employed in a semiserious bid to win independence for Illyria, backing first Illius and then Detius of the Sea as king, but he became embroiled romantically with Bellaterrena, and ultimately his only lasting impact on the legend of Harpe was that he carved his name on it in Greek characters. The Bugarii seized it, as is their wont, and through them it passed eastwards, where it was last seen among the Batsinecii, wielded by their eccentric king Curias. Surely reports that he had it barred and strung are the result of a confusion between Harpe and harpa [a harp]. But some say Harpe is older, still, than Apollo, and that the first snake it slew was the one that created Venus, if you’re picking up what I’m laying down.

In Persis, Faridan fought with a great mace, beating down—some say the devil, some say Prometheus. It was he who chose the command word. Bacchus took this mace on his way back from India, for he said it resembled in form if not function nothing so much as his thrysus. He set up a shrine in Naxus, where Minos found it while looking for Ariadna. He brought it back to Creta, and it was he who engraved it with a mnemonic, so no one who knew its provenance would forget the command. But Minos angered Potnia, and the Scepter of Naxus washed away in a tidal wave that presaged the end of Gnosus [terminum Gnosi] and an end of its lore [terminum gnosis]. Volcanus himself, they say, fished it from the sea, with an anticytheric mechanism, so enamored was he of its clever craftsmanship and many functions, and placed it in one of the storehouses of the gods.

The priests of Doner fought with magical hammers, some of which, accursed items! were blessed crosses with the tops broken off. But Clotho spun a different fate for one such hammer, for in the days of Constantinus Magnus, Athenæus Martyr seized one such hammer among the Rusii and consecrated it to XP by building a church with it. The pagans, crying “Perune! Perune!” soaked it in his blood, but they could not wash the holy off it.

Bitia, daughter of Pharao, was, like Henoch, permitted to visit heaven before tasting death, and there she found IIJ. sashes, known as the Spirit, the Creation of the Firmament, and the Glory of Deus the Father, or collectively, the sashes of the Chariot of Deus. These sashes were taken, some say by Maria, and passed down until they were given to Iob, in recompense for prior suffering. He ceded them to his daughters, who used them to learn, or craft, their book of hymns. IJ. of them were lost to history thereafter, but the middle sash ended up (miraculously) with Paulus, who brought it to Damascus. There it was left with Ananias, held underground until the city was openly able to declare it a relic, whereafter it was used as a banner. Under Musilimic conquest the banner’s origin was forgotten, and so it was a simple matter for one mad Arabs to steal it. When he was torn apart by diaboli, they took the shawl, that no one else should ever see what he had seen. Quite a merciful act for diaboli.

Days gone by there were ages of heroes; Moses and his party, the heroes of the Troic war, the Diadoci, the Fenniæ; in the V. century alone were born Volunder, Culvis, Etila, Adlis, Lupapium, Sicurtis, Rofus, Theodoricus, Artu, Palamedes, Tristan, Scæviben of Jason, Alexander of Constantinopolis, and Belisarius—and the famed warriors who served under them (Aganus, Hieltebrantus, Valtarius, Ortus, Brecchas, Lancælo, Boduer the human-handed, etc.) were mightier than the mightiest man today. All men save Alcædar and Ahasuerus must die, but their stuff—their stuff lingers on. Let us remember their stuff! and if we cannot emulate their valor and deeds, let us at least fetishistically attempt to collect what they once owned. And what we cannot collect we will memorialize in this Ezechiaca!