Road to Kiev, Chapter Twelve

Another Battle Followed by a Precarious Position
Saturday, October 15, 987 AD

Very little rest is achieved as Gunther and Ivan, both on watch, notice large tusked monsters walking down the corridor towards the party. First many arrows are loosed on the first pig-man, then Reynaldo uses his lightning bolt on them. The first one falls and the rest squeal, but continue rushing forward, even through the sand that used to be floor. Gunther steps up and kills the first pig-man with the first thrust of his spear. The rest run away screaming. We all pat ourselves on the back before realizing that we cannot hear anymore. Ivan and Gunther see the pig-men rushing again and they quickly try to figure out on what the Silence spell was cast. Ivan dives toward the side corridor that is opposite the access to the room, as well as ten feet forward. He makes it just as the pig-men rush past him and notices the enchantment ends about halfway into the room. He figures the enchantment must be on the wall right next to the room entrance. Gunther and Nicolae, using a copper chain and his shocking grasp spell, beat down the pig-men. In the side corridor, Ivan entices two pig-men to come after him, making the first one run away with the silver fear stick, but having to kill the second one with his sword since the stick seemed to have no effect. After the pig-men are defeated, we notice that there are Elven warriors backing them up. Gunther finally falls to a female Elven priest and Edward must take his place. Ivan kills one of them, makes a second run in fear, and stalemates against a third. Edward fells the female priest, but does not manage to kill her. Meanwhile, Ivan's third elf manages to gut him, but Ivan's amazing constitution keeps up and fighting. Before the battle can go any further, the party sees a female elf walk towards them on the wall. She steps gingerly on the stone before flicking her cloak at us, unleashing a devastating web from it. It manages to catch most of us. She makes Ivan surrender and drop his weapons, and then, in Elvish, she speaks.

Female Elf: Look what you have done to poor Elia.
Reynaldo: Who?
Female Elf: The priest that you almost killed.
Reynaldo: Oh... well, she started it.
Female Elf: No she did not! She merely came to reclaim the bodies of her comrades that I specifically told you to leave behind!
Reynaldo: What? You only said "Leave!"
Female Elf: No, I said, "Leave the dead and their arms!"
Reynaldo: What utter nonsense! You said leave and we did, then you chase us out here! What gives?
Female Elf: Who the hell are you, anyway?
Reynaldo: Reynaldo the Courageous, and you?
Female Elf: Esthalin. Did Asophus send you?
Reynaldo: Nice to meet you, and no. I don't even know who that is. Also, there are usually three dates before the girl webs me with her ass.
Esthalin (totally ignoring the last comment): We shall decide what to make you pay for killing so many of our warriors. There will be guards posted at the end of this corridor, we will take this runt hostage, and you shall await our decision.
Reynaldo: Wait just one cotton-pickin' minute! We killed your soldiers because they attacked us. Twice!
Esthalin: You invaded our home with your stinking human friends!
Reynaldo: We fell bass-ackwards into your home and were more than willing to talk before you decided to flank us!
Esthalin: Lies! You shall wait for our decision! (she leaves with a very worried Ivan)
Reynaldo: Well, how do you like that.

While waiting for the web to dissolve, Reynaldo fills in the rest of the party on what transpired.

Catarina: Asophus? Yeah, I know about him. He's a crazy Druid that started worshipping the god Dath Rana.
Gunther (after doing a spit take and groaning): I killed that guy! In Scotland! He took me hostage and we killed him after I'd been rescued. Maybe we can use this information to make this situation not as bad.

After almost three hours, the web dissolves and we rest for the night, somewhat uneasily.

The Tide Turns
Sunday, October 16, 987 AD

In the morning, Esthalin returns with a snake for a belt, Elia, and two guards in tow, and speaks with Reynaldo, who translates for the rest of the party.

Esthalin: We have decided what you owe.
Reynaldo: Okay, shoot.
Esthalin: You owe us 120,000 gold pieces,...
Reynaldo (eyes bug out): ...gah...
Esthalin: ...all your magic items,...
Reynaldo (tongue hits floor): ...ook...
Esthalin: ...and half of your party.
Reynaldo (knees buckle): ...meep...
Esthalin: So, gimme.
Reynaldo (looks around flabbergasted): ...uhh...
(Gunther gives the 'stall' signal)
Gunther (in Norse): Stall.
Reynaldo: Well, you remember this Asophus guy you mentioned? Apparently, Gunther killed him.
Gunther (in Norse): Just don't tell her I killed Asophus.
Reynaldo (facepalm, and to Esthalin): So, see, we got rid of your enemy. Don't you want to be a little more lenient now?
Esthalin: Asophus wasn't an enemy. Merely an annoyance.
Reynaldo: Great. So, 120,000 gold, huh? Do you have any idea how impossible that is?
Esthalin: Don't care.
Gunther (in Norse): Okay, here's what we're gonna say about Asophus, ready?
Reynaldo (in Norse): Too late. She already knows.
Gunther (in Norse): But I told you specifically...
Reynaldo (in Norse): Next time, make sure your directions are in one chunk and not peppered in the conversation you can't understand.
Gunther (in Norse): Okay, keep stalling.
Esthalin: So, where's what I asked for?
Reynaldo: Listen, you can't ask for all of this because we did nothing wrong.
Esthalin: Oh, so you think invading someone's home is okay?
Reynaldo: We didn't know you were here! All the clues on the surface pointed to you all being dead and we just accidentally found you here!
Esthalin: So, you just regularly just find ancient cities that are actually inhabited?
Reynaldo: It is an adventurer's lot in life.
Esthalin: Nonsense. Where's my stuff?
Reynaldo: We can't give you anything because we are attempting to save the world from a great evil.
Esthalin: Elves minding their own business in their subterranean home?
Reynaldo: No. Against the evils of the ancient octopus gods.

At this point, Esthalin burst into laughter and the rest of the party launched its attack that it had been planning since Gunther told Reynaldo to keep stalling. The three priests cast Hold Persons on the four elves and catch Elia and one of the guards. Reynaldo then shoots his lightning bolt which catches only one of the guards. Esthalin shoots webs from her cloak again and catches Gunther, Reynaldo, Nicolae, and Wong. Reisha and Anna duck just in front of the web while Thalia, Edward, and Catarina jump into the room to avoid them. Three priests once again cast Hold Person, all on Esthalin, and they manage to get her. Anna then turns her attention to the last guard and kills him, while the snake jumps off of Esthalin's waist and begins to squeeze the life out of Reisha. Anna kills the snake and then an elf from down the corridor yells in Elvish to stop before shooting magic missiles. Edward burns the web and Reynaldo jumps towards Esthalin and puts a dagger to her throat. The other elf composes himself as the three prisoners are stripped, bound, and gagged.

Reynaldo: Who are you and do you have any authority here?
Elf: I am Esthalin's consort. That does give me a modicum of power.
Reynaldo: Good. Here's the deal: we're going to give you this guard now, as a show of good faith, then we'll give you Elia upon the return of Ivan, and then when our departure from your city is assured, we'll give you back Esthalin.
Consort: How am I to trust you?
Reynaldo: Because we have just given you a fair deal.
Consort: But you just attacked us during the previous deal.
Reynaldo: Your deal was not fair and you left us no other option.
Consort: Fine. I have sent men to search for your friend.
Reynaldo: Do you make it a habit to attempt to kill those who have accidentally stumbled upon your home and then extort them when they defend themselves?
Consort: You invaded us! We were merely defending ourselves! And besides, no one has stumbled in here for over five generations! [Ed note-- I believe this to be elf generations, which last a lot longer than human generations.]
Reynaldo: We did not invade! We stumbled!
Consort: Your lyre has but two strings: we stumbled and we defended.
Reynaldo: I play my two strings very well.
Consort: You say you killed Asophus. Well, this was a good thing. He used to send demons and monsters to our city through his hell portal. The Harvester was a demon we were able to make a deal with. Killing him was actually a good thing, too.
Reynaldo: So, why all the hostility?
Consort: You say you came from above. Where is this above? We have not seen it for a thousand years. We assumed you came through the hell portal like everything else Asophus had sent us.
Reynaldo: But we came from outside.
Consort: How would we know this? The Romans had sealed us in and we assumed that they had tossed the key into the oceans.
Reynaldo: Why don't you close the portal?
Consort: How does one close a portal? Portals cannot be closed; this is why women are more powerful. (pause) I am being told that your runt is in a place that only the priestess can access.
Reynaldo: Elia?
Consort: No, Esthalin. He is located near the hell portal.
Reynaldo: Well, fuck.

After some more finagling, Esthalin agrees to our deal, adding that all the dead and all the weapons and armor that we took stay down here, but all the apples have to leave. We agree. The consort, with a cleric and three guards, lead us to the place that Ivan is kept. He opens the door and we see a dark tunnel with an eerie red glow full of webs.

Reynaldo: These webs are gonna stick, aren't they?
Consort: I would imagine so. Then the spiders would attack. You see why only she can enter.
Reynaldo: Well, she can't go. I just plain don't trust her.

We undo Esthalin's gag after she promises not to use any spells.

Reynaldo: How is it you don't get stuck on the webs and eaten by the spiders?
Esthalin: My cloak lets me walk upon the webs and I was given the ability to talk to spiders by the Spider Goddess, who protects us.
Reynaldo: I see. Would the cloak let me speak to the spiders?
Esthalin: Doubtful.
Reynaldo: Your society is obviously matriarchal, so can I safely wear the cloak? Is there a precedence for this?
Esthalin: Yes, a man wore it once.
Reynaldo: And what happened to him?
Esthalin: He was executed for his blasphemy... but that is not important. He did not suffer any ill from the actual wearing of the cloak so far as we could tell.
Reynaldo: Okay, to recap. There is a very large web filled with spiders that sits near a portal to hell, only one of us can go in, and this is where our friend is?
Esthalin: Yes.
Reynaldo: This is most dangerous thing I have ever heard of, but I have to do it.
Gunther: What? Why?
Thalia: Yeah, we barely even know him. Plus, he's a dwarf.
Reynaldo: I know, but I have my reason. I'll let you know another day, just remind me.
Esthalin: You can take me with you.
Reynaldo: But there is only one cloak.
Esthalin: But your Axe will let you pass freely, and you can wrap the cloak around me. Try it.

Reynaldo does so and it works.

Esthalin: As long as you grasp the Axe, you will not be impeded by the webs.
Reynaldo: Okay, since you can talk to the spiders, I'm taking you with me, but you'll have to stay bound.
Esthalin: You'll have to close the door because the spiders will not listen to me if it is open.
Reynaldo: Of course.
Gunther (in Norse): Remember Reynaldo, if you come back without her, we're as good as dead.

Reynaldo placed the cloak on the bound Esthalin, placed her under his left arm, grasped his Reynaldo's Axe in his right, and headed in. The door closed behind him.

For a half hour, the rest of the party waits, unable to communicate with the Consort or his guards. Gunther finds a few rocks and tries to make them do maneuvers. Anna talks to herself for a little while before joining Reisha and Edward in praying for their two comrades, and also for Reynaldo not to screw up. Catarina wished real hard that Reynaldo had left his magic books behind. Thalia and Nicolae agree that they can take these guys and make a break for it if if comes to that. Wong just kind of stares at the wall, even though she probably should have studied. Finally, the door opens. Ivan emerges with the cloak on him, Esthalin, re-gagged, under his left arm, and the Reynaldo's Axe in his right hand. But where is Reynaldo?

He crawls behind Ivan and proclaims that he is, in fact, the best and bravest mage/thief ever. We attempt to question him, but he waves us away. We give back Elia as per the deal, and make our way out of the dungeon. Upon the steps that lead to the dungeon, we leave Esthalin and quickly run away. Esthalin shouts something in Elvish that Thalia forces Reynaldo to translate immediately. He says that she is reminding him that entrance to the tunnel under the Euxine Sea lies in their city. We quickly make our way topside and leave the eastern building through the back. We march north two hours before finally setting down to camp.

Reynaldo then regales us with his tale of best-ness and bravery.

Reynaldo Becomes the Best and Bravest Mage/Thief Ever (TM)
Sunday, October 16, 987 AD... approximately three hours earlier

[Ed. note-- This section seems to have actually been written by Reynaldo himself.]

I placed the cloak on the bound Esthalin, put her under my left arm, grasped my Reynaldo's Axe in my right, and I headed in. The door closed behind me.

Esthalin was telling the truth. While holding the Axe, the webs would not impede me, and while she wore the cloak, they would not impede her, but they still made my skin crawl. I stayed close to the left wall and walked towards the eerie red glow while we talked.
"You could be my consort, you know," she said.
"Lady, everything and their mothers has been tempting me since we set foot in these ruins. It gets easier to say no as time wears on."
"I was just offering."
"Why can't you just call the spider to you again?" I asked.
"Because I have to go to them and then tell them what to do."
I kept walking, slowly to avoid pitfalls and surprises.
"The tunnel you spoke of. I know where it is. It lies to north of our city. At the entrance, you have to take the rightmost path and it will take you to the tunnel that crosses the sea."
"If all goes well, we probably won't be using it. We've promised to leave your city."
I continued walking until we reached the lip of what seemed to be the biggest red hole in the world. There was swirling, crackling energy covered by masses and masses of webs that swayed to and fro.
"You talked about closing the portal. How should I close that?"
"I had no idea it was so big. Gunther said the portal to hell in Asophus' dungeon was much smaller, like the size of a door smaller. You'd have to bring down the entire city on this, and even then I'm not sure it would be closed."
I felt around the wall and found a spot where I could skirt around the portal without any chance of falling in.
"Why doesn't the other elf with you speak our language?" she asked.
"Perhaps because her parents did not teach her. I don't really know her history very well."
"How can you fight alongside someone you don't know?"
"You just do. It's part of the job description for saving the world."
Suddenly, a very large spider appeared before us. I had to stifle a scream.
"Okay, do your thing Esthalin."
I stood her up and she opened her mouth and made a lot of screeching and slurping noises. "I told him not to hurt you."
"Okay, now ask it where Ivan is."
She made the same noises again, only in a different combination.
"He says he put your runt up there."
She jerked her head at an angle and I followed it to a spot directly above the gateway to hell, where three web sacks hung in the matrix of webs.
"He couldn't have been on the ground, no. That would have made my life much less exciting. Tell it to bring him here."
She did, and then said, "He's asking why I don't just get him myself, like I always have before."
"Tell it because you're the fucking boss and you say so."
"That might not work. I think he senses that I am not in as powerful a position as I usually am."
"Are you serious? It's playing spider politics?"
"Yes. If it senses any more weakness, it might attack. You could unbind me and I could go get him, you know."
"Fuck. Okay, tell it to fuck off."
She says something to the spider and it goes away.
"This is what we're going to do. I'm going to unbind your feet, and then you're going to walk up there while I piggyback. Once we get up there, you're going to put yourself in such a position as to place yourself over Ivan's sack so that I can grab it. Then we'll get back down to the ground and walk back to the door. Unfortunately, I have to hold my Axe as well as a dagger to your throat, and be able to carry Ivan's sack. I think I'll have to tie him to you."
"Your runt's pretty heavy for a short guy."
"You'll be fine. C'mon."
I untied her feet and climbed on her back. She started walking on the webs just fine, heading towards the sacks, when she stops.
"My Queen is down there?"
"What?" I asked.
"My Queen. She lives in hell."
"That's nice. We can walk and talk."
She took a step down. Towards the large red hole that leads to hell.
"Woah, there. Up, not down."
"Up where?"
"Up to my friend. Remember the deal."
"What will you do after you kill me?"
"There's no killing. You have to help me get my friend so that we can leave and never, ever bother you again."
"That was deal, wasn't it? You're going to kill me if anything goes wrong."
"Yes, but nothing's going to go wrong, right?"
She took another step down. Now, I'm freaking. I can remember thinking, Oh my God, this bitch has gone completely fucking crazy.
"I will never die in battle, you know. You were the closest I ever got."
"So why don't you spar with your fucking consort and take a goddamned step up?"
"Do you know what it's like serving someone you've never seen?" she asked.
"No, because I only serve myself, now go up."
"No. We have to go down. You will be my consort in the next world."
Before she did anything else, I took the cloak off of her and put it on myself. I started walking up to Ivan myself, but then she started thrashing. I noticed the very large spider start to make its way toward her and I thought, Great, it can start munching on her and I can grab Ivan and leave before it's done eating her. However, Gunther's words burned themselves across my brain: "Remember Reynaldo, if you come back without her, we're as good as dead."
Goddamn son of a bitch!
I shot my first volley of magic missiles at the spider and it of course changed its bearing. I shot my second volley. Then, I decided to keep climbing. Maybe I could free Ivan before the very large spider caught up to me.
And maybe Esthalin would come to her fucking senses. I fired my last volley of magic missiles and then it was on top of me. It missed its first swipe. I connected with my Axe, but then it bit me, injecting me with its poison, which hurt a lot. I remember thinking, I cannot take another one of those, which, of course, I immediately did right after missing with my Axe. It was a mortal wound and I nearly passed out. But I was as good as dead. I had forgotten my remaining spells, which probably wouldn't have helped anyway. I could no longer swing my axe, and I was bleeding profusely.
Then I thought about my scrolls. They had spells that could help me, but they were for much more experienced mages than me. The Imprisonment spell was for very experienced mages, and if I attempted it, there would be a very large chance of me botching it. The other possibly helpful spell was Prismatic Spray. It did not require as much experience as Imprisonment, but it still had a chance of screwing up if I did anything wrong. I steeled myself and thought, Fuck it. I'm already dead anyway.
I read the scroll.
Seven colored rays spread from the scroll as the spell disappeared from it. The violet ray struck the spider and it disappeared.
I began crying from joy.
I crawled my way up to the three sacks and began calling for Ivan. His muffled cries emanated from one of the sacks. I went to it and opened it.
"Listen very carefully," I said. "You have to put this cloak on and walk on the webs. I'm going to ride on your back. You have to be very careful because I'm very hurt and there might be more spiders around."
He did as he was told and we got to the floor. I told him to go the way I came and before I could convert to Christianity, we were at the door. Ivan nearly opened the door when Gunther's words once again fried my brain: "Remember Reynaldo, if you come back without her, we're as good as dead."
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! My tears became those of sorrow.
"Okay, listen Ivan. You have to go back and get the stupid crazy bitch. She's tangled in her own web and we need her or we die. Take my Axe."
He turned to go, but then I said, "If you hear me screaming, you come right the fuck back, understand?"
"Da, tovarisch," he said, and trundled away.
He must have been able to do it no problem because he came back pretty soon with Esthalin tucked close to his body, and I was crying tears of joy again. I told him to gag her again before we went out in case she was still babbling crazy. I was afraid she might tell her consort to attack or something else that would cock everything up. Ivan opened the door, and the rest you know.

I just want to add, that if I ever see Eorl again or he has a chance to read this, I want him to know that he will never be better or luckier than me. I am the best thief ever, even if he ever gets the chance to save any large cities. Also, if you haven't already done so, get some damn lockpicks. You can't rely on those gloves for everything.

End Chapter Twelve