Road to Kiev, Chapter Thirteen

Much Deserved Rest
Monday, October 17, 987 AD

Reynaldo insists that he has exerted himself greatly and deserves a whole day of rest. The others agree, since they also need it. After traveling another four hours away from the Elven ruins, there is much loafing.

A Bit of Reconnaisance
Tuesday, October 18, 987 AD

We all walk back to the ruins because we cannot resist its Siren call (actually, because we'd like to kill the Ghast King as well as this Veronica woman). Edward talks to a bird and it goes something like this (I have recreated the bird's half of the conversation since I could not understand the bird and Edward refused to translate):

Edward: Hello, God's creature. How are you today?
Bird: God's creature? Brotha, ain't nobody that owns me. Shit, I do the owning, if you know what I mean. I got me some fine ladies. Some cardinals, bluejays, even some exotic cockatoos. Wachoo looking fo'?
Edward: Have you seen any elves or other creatures in the ruins to the south of here?
Bird: Are you crazy, nigga!? Ain't nobody go there! It's full of some crazy shit! Hell, just last week, my cousin Leroy got capped by some fuckin' crazy cat-thing that had the head of human. She had some huge tits, though. Nice and round... At least Leroy went looking at what he loved best.
Edward: How about around here? Have there been any people recently.
Bird: No, son. In fact, ya'll the first bunch of crackers I seen in a long damn time.
Edward: Thank you, bird. You have my gratitude.
Bird: Gratitude? I need green, nigga! Fuckin' Benjamins! Ain't there anything else you want? Maybe some... you know, seeds an' shit? I got some high grade stuff that'll rocket you higher than you evah been!
Edward: No, that will be all.
Bird: Damn, that's cold, son. Not even a tip. You were probably five-o anyway, bitch.

The bird flew away, seemingly unhappy. Once we reach the city, we see that someone has made a grave for Irethezan with a tall stick marking it. The stick has her name on it (in Greek, of course), but not much else has changed. Once again, we camp outside of the ruins, but this time, with a nice, warm, blazing fire. Just to see if we can attract anything.

Ghast King and the Consort
Wednesday, October 19, 987 AD

Nothing attacks us at night, even though we were practically begging for it. In the morning, we head back to the ruins and along the way, find a ghast that has been turned into lead. We leave the mystery for later and continue towards the ruins. Once there, we are attacked by the Ghast King and his minions. But first, the stench of their bodies attacks us first. Good Lord. Some of Wong's newfangled "soap" might have done them some good. As expected, they all fall, including the King. He wasn't so tough. It probably helped that we weren't already worn out by a day of dungeon hacking. We leave the city and Edward finds a squirrel to talk to (once again, the squirrel's half of the conversation was recreated by the author):

Squirrel: Oh my God! You're the people the bird told me about! How fabulous!
Edward: Good morning, brother squirrel.
Squirrel: And a good morning to you! How can I help such wonderful people!
Edward: I would like to ask you if you have seen any elves or other creatures in the ruins or near the ruins recently.
Squirrel: Well, I don't go into the city very often, not enough bars or shoe stores, don't you know, but I did see two people around the place yesterday.
Edward: Tell me about them.
Squirrel: Sure, would you like some croissants first? No? Okay. The first one was a short fellow who looked really confused. I was so sorry for the poor fellow. He seemed frightened and he kept shooting owls. Not that I mind. Owls always make a bad hair day that much worse. The second one was a girl and she seemed to know exactly what she was doing. They both headed that way (points to east). I really hope they don't meet up because they were wearing the same thing and that would just be such a disaster. Speaking of fashion, you guys look like you could use some help. I know some fabulous boutiques nearby.
Edward: No, that will be all. Thank you.
Squirrel: Sure thing! Hey, if you're ever in the neighborhood again, drop in. We can listen to some Barbara if you'd like.

The squirrel bounded away and we decided to see if Thalia could track anything from Irethezan's grave. She follows a trail for a little while, but then loses it. We go camp again, but some more ghouls attack us. These are a bit stronger than the regular schmoes that had been attacking us before, but we make quick work of them. Then, as we prepare to bed down again, we are interrupted by a familiar fellow (It's important to note that the fellow in question continually darted his eyes here and there just waiting for something to happen):

Consort: Who's there?
Reynaldo: What the hell? What are you doing out here?
Consort: Have you guys seen a strange creature? This thing, it flies and goes 'who' all the time. I keep shooting him, but he comes back for me. I'm really scared of this thing.
Reynaldo: Dude, that's just an owl. It's okay. They're everywhere--
Consort: Everywhere!
Reynaldo: Calm down. They're harmless. What are you doing out here?
Consort: Exploring and looking for something we lost.
Reynaldo: What did you lose?
Consort: Oh, you know, just a demon.
Reynaldo: Meh?
Consort: A large spider called the Retreiver.
Reynaldo: How do you lose that!?
Consort: It escaped from our city. We've had some men looking for it, but you know what? I think we're just gonna let it go. It's the surface's problem now.
Reynaldo: Is it just a large spider?
Consort: It wouldn't be much of a demon then, would it? No, it also shoots beams from its eyes. Sometimes these beams blow you up, sometimes they turn you into gold. Listen, I have to get going. I hope you don't meet up with the Retriever. It won't be happy.
Reynaldo: Hold on. Which way did it go? (Consort points to northwest) Okay, have a nice life.

Reynaldo turns to the rest of the party

Reynaldo: Man, am I glad I'm not one of those poor bastards living in those human settlements.

Gunther starts to get that look that he gets when he thinks he can die a glorious death.

Gunther: We have to save those people from this horrible creature!
Wong and Reynaldo: Uhh... nuh-uh!
Gunther: But we have unleashed this demon upon them!
Wong: We didn't unleash a damn thing. The elves did!
Reynaldo: Plus, I'm sure the townspeople will be able to protect themselves.
Gunther: No they won't! Hell, we might not survive.
Reynaldo: And I did not just go through spider hell so that a bigger, more bad-ass spider can kill me now!
Wong: If it were here, we would fight it. It would be a threat then.
Reynaldo: Yeah!
Wong: But it's not. It's gone far away, and it's only gonna go farther. (They end up having to eat these words later)
Thalia: Guys, why don't we just sleep on it?

So we do. But Gunther's out of his gourd.

Talking About the Retriever
Thursday, October 20, 987 AD

Gunther is outvoted in favor of hacking the amphitheater. We all breathe a sigh of relief. The rest of the day is used for resting. Later that night, during our sleep cycle, the second watch hears something that sounds eerily like a beam shooting and then something blowing up. Reynaldo and Wong curse wildly as they mix their rations with their words.

Hunting the Retriever
Friday, October 21, 987 AD

Reynaldo and Wong are still totally against this, but Gunther volunteers to lure the spider into open ground so that they can kill it more easily. Reynaldo says fine and summons a war horse for him. Everyone else sets up. The mages stay in the arch while the fighters wait for the demon on the ground. Gunther trots around until he finds the very large demon sleeping in a clearing. He shoots an arrow at it that harmlessly bounces off its back. The demon gets up and chases Gunther. He rides as hard as he can, with the demon in close pursuit. As soon as Gunther enters the clearing, we hear a beam shoot and Gunther bursts into flames. The horse dies under him and, in an impressive display of will, dexterity, and chutzpah, he rolls on the ground back up to his feet and runs towards his comrades as the spider demon crashes into the clearing. Reynaldo lets loose his lightning bolt as the other fighters run towards the demon with the exception of Anna, who casts defensive spells. Smacks are given back and forth (fighters hit, spider hits, mages shoot magic missiles) until the spider shoots Anna. She also bursts into flame and then crawls towards the arch. Ivan also falls from repeated bludgeoning, but the spider is felled. Wong cuts off its head and we decide to place it near the entrance to the Elven Underground City so that they can see that we have fixed another one of their messes. We rest.

Civilization-wards, but First, Some Bad News
Saturday, October 22, 987 AD

We began the day wanting to hunt for Veronica, but decided instead to head back to civilization because we were running low on supplies. After a few hours, we encounter a wagon heading our direction. There is a man and a woman in the seat who speak Greek. Then a third head pops out from the back and asks if we know who Wong is. He introduces himself as Caleb.

Wong: Perhaps we know who Wong is. What's it to you?
Caleb: I have heard wondrous tales of her mastery of the martial arts and have come to test my mettle against her.
Wong (facepalm): Sonova...
Caleb: Are you Wong?
Wong: Yeah. So, how do you want to do this?
Caleb: I'd like to rest a little first and then we may begin.
Wong: Is it cool if we sleep the night here and then do this first thing tomorrow morning?
Caleb: That is adequate.

We hang out, talking, eating, and making the merry until Caleb tells us about what's going on in the real world.

Caleb: There are two very large statues heading this way, destroying everything in their paths.
Gunther (spit take): What?
Caleb: No one knows where they came from or what their purpose is, but if they continue in this direction, I suggest you move elsewhere.
Gunter: It won't help. Do you know about how far away they are?
Caleb: About a week or so.
Reynaldo: There goes our restocking plan.

The man and woman leave in their wagon and the rest of us bed down for the night.

The Duel of the Year
Sunday, October 23, 987 AD

The duel begins at sun-up and the rules are as follows:

No biting
No eye-gouging
First to fall loses
There will be healing afterwards, regardless of the outcome
Reynaldo is not allowed to call the fight
No one else is allowed to interfere in any way, whatsoever

And it's on! The Beast from the East takes on the German Geronimo! Two fighters enter, only one fighter leaves!

After many punches, kicks, parries, and blocks, Wong comes very close to victory, but Caleb steals it at the very end. As promised, both fighters are healed, and Caleb thanks Wong for an awesome duel. He bids us farewell and takes his leave. We walk back to the ruins and decide to hack the amphitheater (in case the one-in-a-million shot that the tunnel to the Crimea is in there pans out) and then, if we have to, ask the dark elves if they will let us use their tunnel, even though we promised never to return.

End Chapter Thirteen