Diogenes' Log

Diogenes’ Log:

Various bits of a text that has come to be known as Diogenes’ Log have been found across the old world. It appears as though the author would take portions and bury them at random throughout his journeys. The reason for this is unclear, as is most of what his concerns are. The longest continuous portion of text can be found below. It has been dated to sometime around May of 989, as the events described within fit with the period that began what historians like to call the “Bean Episode of Constantinople.”

Entry 1.

We are back in the strange bean-filled town across the Bosphorus from home. While sleeping last night Jesus came to me once more. He informed me that when I awoke I would have greater powers. As I was about to tell him that I needed no such gift, he told me not to contradict him—that I would soon need these gifts and more gifts. He’s Jesus and I’m not, he said, so I should shut my indolent mouth. He then made a request—in exchange for these powers I was to make enough bean paste to feed 150 of the poor back home for 1 month’s time. He told me that these numbers were very important, and that I had to get them just right—and then he left, or I woke up. I’m not sure which. Whenever he comes I feel so disoriented afterward. He’s always fixating on numbers. I’ll bet he talked to Parmenides a lot. Why else would someone be as obsessed with numbers as that guy. Crazy that he could talk to people before he was born and not just afterward.

Entry 2.

The Danger gang are occupying themselves with a dragon, the entire town in fact. I can only think this dragon was Jesus sent to give me an opportunity to transform beans into paste uninterrupted. Jesus must have something serious in mind with these numbers if he’s getting evil dragons to help. He doesn’t want me to get distracted and loose count. People say he works in mysterious ways, but that’s nonsense. They just don’t want to admit that sometimes good can come from an evil dragon.

Speaking of the great good that comes from great ill, I have been wondering if I ought to inform Eorl that he is one of the holy three. When I first left home and sat in that tree for a decade, back when Jesus would come every night just to tell me stories, he let me know that I was one of the holy three who he wanted to help save the world. I was told to keep an eye out for the other two. I would know them by their holy appearance and their holy sound, and when the power of a awful smell, sight, and sound were combined a great deal of good would occur. This is, of course, why I must make sure to eat enough bean-paste every day. What if the terrible sounding one has a hoarse throat? They’d have to recognize me by my holy stench. Eorl has obviously been touched by the holy sight, but why has he not said anything of it? He couldn’t possibly fail to recognize me, even if I did eat some of my clothing before we got here this past time. Has Jesus not told him? Does he want to hide these things from the Danger Gang? I would like an opportunity to speak with him about matters. Well, it looks like the DG are going off on some foolish adventure—good. This will give me the time I need to make this paste. I’ll try to chat with Eorl about this before they get back.

Entry 3

Alas, there was no time to pull Eorl away. He’s pretty frantic, concentrating on a lot of things. He keeps counting gold, though—numbers again. A clear sign that he’s in league with Jesus. He sent us to some German dragon-cave to get a little more gold. The numbers just aren’t right yet.

Outside this cave there was some peasant woman tied to a stake as Dragon bait. We set her free and then she started yammering about old ways, dragon sacrifices, logs, etc. Here’s what gets me. She called us Jews as though that were some awful thing, but she worships Jesus and hates the idea of going back to the old ways. But Jesus was a Jew. All of this “new ways” bullshit is just other people lying about what he said to idiots so that they can make a buck. So basically she worships the thing she hates. And hates the thing she tries to worship. What an idiot. How on earth can we have a Christian world when there are so many idiots and so much avarice? For the life of me I don’t know why these Danger Gang folks listen to all these idiots instead of just asking Jesus to tell them what’s up at night. If that holy mother Eorl hadn’t told us that this trip to the oracle was a good idea I might up and leave to go seek the other holy one.

Entry 4

After talking to that idiot we went into this crazy cave there were a lot of holes in the ground and heads shoot up through them to bite you. Gwyn punched through a couple of heads too with the help of this crazy sword, but then fell down while jumping. What an idiot. I busted a couple up myself. Exploding heads for Jesus! All these heads got me thinking. Once when Jesus visited me he was complaining to me about how the only help he could get in the early days was from idiots. This John guy, for example, couldn’t count. In apokalupsis he rambles and rambles about all of these important numbers but he doesn’t get them right at all. The seven headed sea beast he makes such a big deal about didn’t even have seven heads—it had eight heads. Lord knows how many horns were on it—he just didn’t tell me because he wasn’t trying to communicate information, just to blow off some steam. At least, that’s what I thought at first. But, punching through this head reminded me of that time, and now it strikes me that Eorl, the divine guide and leader of the Danger Gang, is really worried about these octopus folk, and octopi live in the sea and have 8 feet. I wouldn’t be surprised if that idiot john couldn’t tell a foot from a head—that would make sense of the whole 10 horn thing—why would there not be a horn on each head? Well, because they’re not heads! I’m going to have to start to re-read revelation in case Jesus comes to tell me more about that book. It could be important.

Entry 5.

Well, Arben made a very reasonable suggestion. Let’s all heal ourselves and come back. Arben seems to be an eminently reasonable fellow. When he’s hungry he eats, when a person asks for something he gives it to them. Still, the DG for some reason followed Zombres’ more reckless suggestion—let’s just keep going because maybe we can surprise these folks. What folly. And the entire danger gang follows the folly just because they don’t want to be seen as shying away from danger. No good can come from it. Only Arben speaks the truth. At least they let me look at the alter at the front of this cave. There were two candles on it. I don’t remember it terribly clearly right now, but I know that there are two prophets in revelations who are two lampposts and two olive trees at the same time. I’ve never eaten a glowing olive, but I’ll bet these guys are trying to make revelation happen. There are probably things that breathe fire inside. We're about to go inside.

Entry 6

WOW! That was nuts!! So, Zombres’ idea was far more foolish than I’d thought. He changed shape into a half-man half-dragon and pretended to be far more pretentious than he actually is—a feat, I know! We walked into a room with 11 losers who were standing around singing about how much they love their mother. I had to stay toward the back lest my smell turn them against us. These guys are sick. Jesus was a man, god is a father. You don’t worship a mom. It’s totally inverted.

Anyway, Zombres begins chatting with the leader—a guy named Horsrick—and they get into a member measuring contest. Since Zombres hasn’t a member in his present form Horsrick was certainly going to win—but Arben, once again, saved the day. His quick wits and vast knowledge enabled him to supply information enough to Zombres that Horsrick figured he was on the down and down. He even did it with an appropriate degree of supplication. This man can swallow his pride in a single gulp. A real selfless, stand up guy. How many times has he saved us?

So, having appropriately impressed these do-badders, Marcella was permitted goes to look at the table they’re all singing around. It’s the cacoon of a half scorpion thing. That self-proclaimed dragon worshipers would be worshiping this clearly ‘non-dragon’ thing is absurd. They’re just as bad as that Jew-hating Jesus worshiper that they had tied up out front. I just do not understand how so many people can live such inconsistent lives. The danger gang appears to be are miffed by inconsistency as I am because they decide to chaos these guys. They’re alright by me.

The DG kindly tries to disarm these dolts when a skinless half-man half scorpion comes out. Zombres tells everyone that this might be one of the champions of the scorpions, so I try to do the only sensible thing and start reading the names of god that we know at him. But, I can’t read Hebrew, so I sit down to call Jesus and ask for some help. I figured that he could read Hebrew through my eyeballs and then just tell me what to say. I must have come close to summoning his holy presence because Horsrick, having divined somehow that I among these travelers am the greatest threat to the demons he worships as a member of the holy three, hits me with a club that paralyses me. It’s a shame, too, because as I’m lying down Jesus comes. He was (rightfully) kind of pissed that I couldn’t hold out until he got there. He said he’d even have told me which the right name was if the DG had it written down. Let me tell you, I felt terrible. Still, he’s a really nice guy. He says that while he’s there he might as well give me a little more power, but just a little since I was such a failure in this case and that I need to learn how to use what I’ve got a little better lest I screw things up when he awakens my full abilities. After this he beats a hasty retreat, telling me he’s got more important things to do than catch up. He does indicate, as he’s leaving, that he knows that I know about Eorl, and that for the time being I should leave well enough alone on that front. He’ll tell me when he wants me to make a move.

The DG then subdued the rest of the dolts and knocked the head off of this scorpion that they’re worshiping. Gwyn, out of the kindness of her heart, tries to pick up the paralyzing club for me—knowing that I will only bludgeon the enemies of God. But, she falls over sideways, turns purple, and starts foaming at the mouth. In light of this the DG decides to take us all back to beantown to heal up. Though I feel better, I feel badly about breaking up the party. It was kind of them to help Gywn. I’d be heartbroken if that goofball left me.