Road to Kiev, Chapter Twenty

Another Problem
Friday, December 9th, 987 AD

Before bedding down for the night, we talk more about how to handle the upcoming meeting with Prince Vladimir. After some more eavesdropping, Slim tells Reynaldo, Wong, and Thalia that the nobles and rulers in Kiev undoubtedly speak Norse. Reynaldo thanks whatever it is he thanks when things like this happen that he doesn't have to take Anna in to see the Prince. The three of them decide to finally let the rest of the party in on the deal.

Thalia: We were given this mission by Emperor Basil II of Constantinople. He asked us to secure the help of the Kievan Empire against the usurper Bardas Phocas.
Reynaldo: Of the original party, only we three remain. As you all know, Gunther bravely fell in battle and Thorvald bravely ran back to his mommy before we reached Russia. Our other original member, Kai, left us for our own safety when he realized that he had been tainted by the bite of a werewolf.
Wong: Me fight better and not have relations with animals.
Reynaldo: ...Right. If we succeed in this mission, if we secure the help of Kiev, the Emperor promised us a huge reward. We were going to split it evenly between us, but like I said, three of us are gone. We reached an agreement and decided to... excuse me, we decided to shaaaaa... fuck, okay, we decided to share with you all some of the re-- goddammit, why is this so hard?
Thalia: We decided to share the reward with you.
Reynaldo: Of course, we three will be getting a bigger share, but I'll personally make sure you all get a fair cut.
Thalia: I'll personally make sure you get a fair cut.
Wong: Me likey the shiny.
Thalia: To show the Emperor that you all actually did help us, we want you to join us to the main gate of the palace. To accompany us until you can go no further and hold our weapons and whatnot for us as I'm sure they will not be allowed inside the palace.
Edward: Anna and I had plans for tomorrow.
Reynaldo: Dude, how'd you bag her? I thought she was swinging for the other team.
Edward: Doing the Lord's work, you upstart pup.
Thalia: I understand your desire to help the poor and sick, Edward, but think of how many people will be helped if we can get the Prince to agree to this.
Edward: *grumble, grumble* Fine.
Reynaldo: Good, we're all in agreement then. To sleep, for tomorrow, I have to spend an ungodly amount of money on clothing.
Ivan: Hold on. Reisha and I got something to say. As you know, we are originally from these lands. We left them not for profit or adventure, but for help. Our village is being attacked by monsters almost daily. Reisha, myself, and two others had to leave to look for help.
Nicolae: Yeah, and?
Reisha: We were wondering if you could help us. Our village is only a week's travel from here.
Reynaldo: Wait a fucking second here. You guys used to be much more powerful than us and you couldn't take these creatures?
Ivan: We could take them, but while we were taking some monsters on one end of the village, there were other monsters at the other end of the village killing women and children. We just didn't have the strength or wherewithal to take the fight to their originating point. You are powerful people who are intelligent and resourceful. You could easily find this nest and take them all out.
Catarina: But it would take us away from here and the Prince and this mission that we're on.
Wong: And no shiny for me.
Thalia: Why haven't you asked the Prince?
Reisha: We tried that, but the bureaucracy here is very slow. Once you put in your petition to the Prince, I would not be surprised if it took a month for the Prince to answer. We could go the village, clean it up, and be back well before the Prince was ready to give you an answer.
Reynaldo: I don't know about that. Constantinople is preparing to give a lot for the Prince's help. And we are on a time limit of sorts.
Thalia: He's right. I'm not sure how much longer Constantinople can hold against the hordes of Bardas Phocas.
Edward: We should sleep on it.
Nicolae: But you should still speak to the Prince tomorrow no matter what we decide.
Reynaldo: Well, yeah. Now, sleep time, seriously. I don't want bags under my eyes tomorrow when I go see the Prince.
Wong: Me sleepy too. Pillow say my name.

We all retired into the two rooms, women in one and men in the other. The men quickly fell asleep, Reynaldo with only one eye closed, for the other was on Slim the whole night. I can only assume the women had pillowfights and gossiped about which of the men they'd rather go steady with until the wee hours of the morning.

Meeting with the Prince, Almost
Saturday, December 10th, 987 AD

In the morning, Reynaldo, Ivan, Reisha, Wong, and Thalia all bathed while the rest of the party cleaned themselves up as best as possible. Reynaldo, Wong, and Thalia bought some very fine and expensive clothing while the dwarves had their armor cleaned. We all went to the palace. The guards asked us to state our business and Reynaldo did so. As we suspected, their arms and armor had to be left behind. Reynaldo, Thalia, and Wong went in, and then Ivan and Reisha went in after them. We were all a little surprised. Time passed before Reisha and Ivan came back from around the bend.

Nicolae: What did you guys do?
Ivan: We had to try and bring our plight to the Prince's attention again. We spoke with Ilia Muromitz, his adviser, again, but this time were invited to a summit of sorts in one week's time to plead our case. Apparently, Kiev might be in a lot of trouble. Muromitz said that there are Muslims to the east, led by a Tugrim Smivech, waiting for an opportunity to attack Kiev. In the south, Constantinople is having its internal problems. To the west, the Bulgars and Magyars are causing trouble, and the north, lots of strange things are happening. The Prince has to listen to many contingents from a number of kingdoms and settlements, all wanting help of some kind. We're all going to have to offer him something in return.
Slim: What do you guys have for him?
Reisha: Nothing.
Ivan: Yet.

The other three returned and told us basically the same thing. However, they also mentioned that we would be staying at a Duchess' home. The only problem was that we had to pretend to be retainers for Wong, Thalia, and worst of all, Reynaldo.

A guide was provided and he quickly led us to the home of Duchess Anna Ivanovna. Reynaldo tipped the guide and the Duchess welcomed us into her home. Slim, being one himself, quickly showed us how to behave like retainers. We all had to go through the back door while Reynaldo, Thalia, and Wong chummed it up with the Duchess. They were each given their own room while the rest of us had to sleep in two others, again one for the men and the other for the women. Soon after settling in, Anna and Edward left to do their good deeds, and Ivan and Reisha left to look for other dwarves who could maybe had useful information they could share. The rest of us settled in. Mostly. While, being shown to our rooms, Reynaldo was caught with his hand in Slim's pocket.

Slim: Lord Reynaldo! What are you doing?
Reynaldo: So sorry, I thought I had left something in there.

Slim covered up his pocket and Reynaldo took Nicolae aside and whispered to him. Wong joined them later, and this is when they hatched their plan. After the other's had left, Nicolae slept Slim and took his journal while Conrad and I watched. Nicolae said this was for the good party as we still didn't know what Slim was all about. Nicolae later said he took the journal to Reynaldo's room (he, Wong, and Thalia got their own, while the rest of us had to settle for two, one for the men and one for the women) and found it was decoded. They quickly copied over some pages and Reynaldo said he'd work on them later. Edward and Anna were finally allowed to go do their good deeds around town and the dwarves left to go talk to other dwarves.

At lunch time, Thalia, Wong, and Reynaldo got to eat with the duchess while the rest of us ate with the help. They were a talkative bunch.

Servant 1: Where are you guys from?
Slim: Lord Reynaldo is on assignment from the Emperor of Constantinople.
Servant 2: Is he here to ask the Prince for help too?
Nicolae: What do you mean, too?
Servant 1: There are tons of people here to ask for help. There are so many, that there's already a group looking for the swan.
Catarina: Swan? What swan?
Servant 2: The giant swan. Don't you guys know anything?
Slim: Lord Reynaldo keeps us in the dark.
Servant 2: All right. The Prince really likes swans, giant swans. He wants one for his menagerie. Word on the street is, whoever can get him a giant swan, unsullied by blood, will get Kiev's help.
Nicolae: That's ridiculous. Firstly, it's very irresponsible to make a decision of this magnitude based on who gives the better bribe, and secondly, where would one find such a ludicrous creature?
Catarina: Look at you try to sound like you have some scruples.
Servant 1: The swan can be found in the forest to the north. But the forest is dangerous. Solovoi Rozboynik lurks there.
Slim: Who's that?
Servant 2: He's a bandit. Rumor has it that he has three heads: one of a nightingale, one of a lion, and one of a dragon.
Servant 1: His three daughters go around killing people too.
Slim: ...Really. That sounds... unsafe.

We finished our lunch and mulled about. Slim helped Catarina copy some spells while Reynaldo broke Slim's code. The Christians and the dwarves returned from their days work and the dwarves informed us that people from their village were in town to speak with the Prince. They say their leader, Aga Fangul, says the village is safe from the attacks by monsters. The villagers found the spawning ground and destroyed it. Aga is in Kiev to talk to the Prince about human incursions in dwarven lands. Ivan and Reisha are both weary of this. They also regaled us with other rumors they'd hear. First, Tugrim Smivech, the eastern Muslim, has apparently learned of the elven ways. Reynaldo was very excited by this. Also, there is a kingdom from the north that has come to see the Prince about eradicating Christianity. They're a small kingdom, but they have a fairy that vomits gold, and so have become powerful in that way. Reynaldo was also excited by this. We make sure everyone knows about this swan business and of course a decision made.

Reynaldo: We obviously need that thing if we want the money... I mean the help.
Slim: But the three-headed bandit...
Reynaldo: Can't be helped. The real problem is gonna be bringing the damn thing back "unsullied by blood."
Slim: But the three-headed bandit...
Reynaldo: Oh, quit your bitching. You're so goddamn useless.

Slim sulked for a little while and Reynaldo went back to his room.

Later that evening, after everyone had gone to bed, in the male retainer's room, we were awoken by a high-pitched scream. We opened our eyes and saw Reynaldo standing over Slim, who was screaming more like a girl than even Reynaldo. Nicolae quickly slept Slim. Reynaldo put Slim's journal back in his pocket.

Edward: What are you doing?
Reynaldo: Putting his journal back.
Edward: Do not lie to me.
Reynaldo: I'm not. He forgot it in my room earlier.
Edward (menacing glance): Do not lie.
Reynaldo: I swear. Would I risk pissing off the guy who heals me on almost a daily basis?
Edward: If I find out--
Reynaldo: You won't.

And Reynaldo left the room. Whether he was acutally putting it back, or just trying to steal is anybody's guess.

Swan Hunting and Dwarven Street Fighting
Sunday, December 11th, 987 AD

In the morning, Slim told us about a nightmare he had where Reynaldo was standing menacingly over his body. Reynaldo quieted him and we went out to hunt for this swan. We walked around a lot, found a boiling river, but nothing else. Ultimately, we returned to the duchess' home. During the hunt, Reynaldo confessed to Slim.

Reynaldo: Listen kid. That nightmare you had wasn't actually a nightmare.
Slim: What?
Reynaldo: I stole your journal and read it.
Slim: What!?
Reynaldo: I had to. You were acting squirrely and I needed proof that you weren't gonna fuck us over.
Slim: But I'm not gonna... do that to you guys.
Reynaldo: I know that now. I thought you were a mastermind after our valuables and women. It turns out you're actually just naive and kind of dumb. Isn't that great?
Slim: I guess...
Reyanldo: Of course it is. You shouldn't act so suspicious around us, otherwise we can't trust you.
Slim: So you stole my journal so you could... trust me?
Reynaldo: Yeah, and it wasn't easy.
Slim: I guess you think I should be sorry for--
Reynaldo: No need to apologize. We can be friends now. Isn't that great?

Slim scratched his head and said, "Sure."

I still don't know how Reynaldo managed to convince Slim that the theft was Slim's fault.

When we got back to town, the dwarves parted ways with us to visit their compatriots. A few hours, they came back, slightly bloodied.

Ivan: Those bastards attacked us!
Reisha: They think we're trying to hurt our village.
Ivan: I knew they were hiding something!
Edward: Calm down and tell us what happened.
Ivan: We were going to the barbecue they invited us to yesterday. When we got there, Aga tried really hard to get us drunk, but we already knew something was up. He had Brezhnev leave the inn earlier. We pretended to drink and then a human came into the inn and asked if we had a license.
Reisha: As if dwarves need a license to party.
Ivan: We should've known it was a set-up. Aga told us to leave through the back and we stupidly did.
Reisha: Brezhnev was back there with two others and they attacked us.
Ivan: We killed the other two and took Brezhnev with us to interrogate.
Reisha: All he would say was that we were tainted and we should not go back to the village.
Ivan: We let him go with a warning to Aga.
Reynaldo: Well, fuck. They're gonna go to Ilia and tell him you're out killing dwarves for no good reason.
Ivan: Not if we go first. We'll go to Ilia and explain to him what happened tomorrow morning.
Edward: What if he takes you prisoner?
Reisha: So be it. We did nothing except defend ourselves.

We all went to bed.

Swan Hunting, part II, and Solovoi Rozboynik
Monday, December 12th, 987 AD

In the morning, we informed the duchess that we might be out for the night. The dwarves went to Ilia Muromitz and they let me come along. We waited in an anteroom and then were allowed into Ilia's office.

Ilia: You again? You can't see the Prince yet.
Ivan: We know that. We've come to inform you of something else.
Reisha: Last night, were attacked by men from the Aga Fangul's contingent.
Ilia: What?
Ivan: Three of them jumped us and we were forced to kill two of them. The third we allowed to live.
Reisha: We want you to know that this was not our fault.
Ilia: You're not going to seek retribution?
Ivan: No. We had no quarrel with them until they attacked us. Our mission here is too important to risk displeasure with the Prince.
Ilia: Good. The last thing I need is a dwarven civil war breaking out in my streets. I will inform the Prince of this. You may go.

We left and rejoined the others. We entered the forest and began hunting for swan again. A few minutes in, however, we heard a bird's cry. It was the cry of a nightingale. Edward, Anna, Conrad, and Nicolae were entranced and started walking in a myriad of directions. We tackled them down and tied them up. While Ivan was securing Conrad, a creature attempted to stab him in the back. It missed and drove its sword into the ground. It got up and we all saw its three hideous heads. It was Solovoi Rozboynik, and it had attacked us. They all threw themselves into battle. Reisha, Ivan. Thalia, and Wong attacked it from all sides. Catarina, Reynaldo, and Slim shot magic missiles at it, most of which veered off. The creature decided to concentrate its attacks, which consisted of three bites and two quick thrusts of its sword at Ivan. When Ivan fell, it moved on to Thalia. Once the mages' missiles had been exhausted, Slim shot his ray of enfeeblement at the creature. It looked visibly weakend. It was no longer hitting as often or as hard. Wong compounded the creature's sudden lack of strength with one of her martial arts. One that she calls a "Touch of Ouchie." It weakened more. The creature's lion head screamed, followed quickly by its dragon head. Both screams affected no one. Perhaps they were only screams of pain and inevitable death. As Thalia struck the last blow, the creature shot a plume of steam from its dragon mouth and perished. The entranced quickly came out and were untied. We ran out of the forest, fearing the creature's daughters may strike us while we're weak. We got the duchess' home and rested. [Editor's note: Cross-reference this chapter with the decoded Journal of Hercules Yonwcrkwcmjdrkichoff. Interesting group dynamics are made more apparent and the narrator of that text isn't so damn impartial.]

End Chapter Twenty