Road to Kiev, Chapter Twenty-One

Swan Hunting, part III, but Interruptions Abound
Tuesday, December 13th, 987 AD

During breakfast, the duchess asks the three noble pretenders if she can have a word with Ivan and Nicolae before we leave the house. She takes a look at Gunther's Spear and says "with burning spear and horse of air." It turns out that this spear is featured in this poetic fragment. She then looks at Nicolae's wound and says that Ilia Muromitz was once paralyzed. He was cured by three mysterious men. We decide to go visit Ilia, especially since we have three heads to give him.

Ilia is very surprised by the three heads of Solovoi Rozboynik, and also pleased. We ask about the three men. He says that he was born paralyzed and that three men came mysteriously and gave a potion. Ilia felt wonderful and stronger than he ever had before, and he could walk. The three men then made him drink another potion that reduced his newfound strength because it was apparently too much for one man. Then they left as mysteriously as they had arrived. He told us instead to go to Aphemia Alexandrovna, the mother of a Bogatear who was skilled in the healing arts. We thank Ilia and go to this woman's house. She cures Nicolae just like that. Nicolae tries to show his appreciation but Aphemia will accept no monetary compensation, and asks that Nicolae give it to the poor instead. Like a fool, he does so.

We go hunting for the swan again. We remember that the blackbird told us the swan resided to the east of the River of Fire. We can't find a way to cross the River, so Anna speaks with a ridiculously smart squirrel who gives a lot of back-chat, but no real information. Anna talks to the blackbird again, and it says that the River of Fire is actually a Ring of Fire, and the swan resides within it.

Slim: I fell into a burning Ring of Fire...
Catarina: I went down, down, down, and the flames went higher...
Reynaldo: Shh! You're being anachronistic.
Catarina: What's that mean?
Reynaldo: It's a mage thing, you wouldn't get it.
Slim: ...but I'm a mage.

We come up with a ridiculous plan to cross the Ring involving Rope Tricks, Reynaldo's ability with knots, a few Fire Walks and Water Walks, and two twenty-foot poles. As we try to implement this plan, we're interrupted by two people fishing. They are the same two people that were in the room when we first met Ilia. They introduce themselves as Agnia, an elf girl, and her large, stupid protector Miaslav. We speak with them for awhile until we're interrupted by Volga Zelavich, a Bogatear who can shapechange into a wolf. He says he urgently needs to speak with the prince. Agnia whispers something in his ear and rides off with him on his back. We make our way back to town with Miaslav, who is every bit as stupid as he looks, nursing some suspicions. When we get back to Kiev, Reynaldo, Reisha, and Ivan follow Miaslav to see where he and Agnia are staying. It is the house of the Princess Nastasia Mikolitchna. We go back to the duchess' to rest.

Swan Hunting, part IV
Wednesday, December 14th, 987 AD

We speak to the duchess about our suspicions involving Agnia, Volga, the princess, and any coup attempts on the prince's throne. She politely laughs and tells us we're way off base and that the prince is perfectly safe. Feeling better, we buy a lot of rope and a mule to carry it and go back to the Ring of Fire. Once there, we put our ridiculous plan into motion: Reynaldo casts a Rope Trick and then ties a second piece of rope to the top of the Rope Trick. He ties the other end to the end of a twenty-foot pole. Edward then casts Fire Walk and Water Walk on both of them, and they rush across the Ring with the pole held high. Reynaldo loses his clothes, but only that. He casts another Rope Trick and transfers the end of the second rope from the pole to the Rope Trick. The rest of the party commando crawls their way over, except for Anna. She takes the second twenty-foot pole and ties her end of the second rope to it and then rushes across like Edward and Reynaldo. The mule had to be left behind, tethered to a tree. We venture into the middle of the Ring and find a lake, where the swan is swimming. Anna talks with it after it tries to attack her, but then agrees to speak with us in the morning. We come up with another ridiculous plan invloving Friendship spells, a Statue spell, some Commands and a Speak with Animals, some Mounts, and some logs.

Swan Hunting, part V and Are You Kidding Me?, part I
Thursday, December 15th, 987 AD

When the swan comes to speak with us, Nicolae casts Friendship on it while Anna casts Speak with Animals. They convince it to follow us. We cross the river in the same way as before (the swan flying over when Nicolae was commando crawling). Once on the other side, Edward cast Statue out of the Magic Ring. Reynaldo spirited up some Mounts and we lugged the swan statue on rolling logs. We notice, however, that our mule has been ritualistically killed. A snake is up its rectum, a bird has been placed where its heart used to be, and a third animal is stuffed in its mouth. We suspect the daughters of Rozboynik and try to leave as quickly as possible. They attack us anyway, displaying the same powers as their father, only split amongst the three. We kill two of them, and the third one flees, no doubt fearing for its life.

We keep moving until a Leshie shows up and tries to barter our lives for the swan. Nicolae tries another Friendship only to then be the one the Leshie wants. Reynaldo and Caterina decide enough and Lightning Bolt it. It shrinks and flees in terror. We get to the outskirts of Kiev, bind the stone bird as best we can, say a little prayer, and have Edward end the Statue spell. The swan is alive! A few of us run to get Ilia, who brings some men to secure the swan. He asks us to go with him and he says that the party from Kebnegard, Agnia's home, have also brought a swan.

Entire Party: Whaaaa?

We see the two swans side-by-side and see that their swan is eerily subdued, while ours is all kinds of indignant. Since this is such a strange occurence, two swans being brought, Ilia proposes four duels in the morning to decide the matter: two warrior duels, a warrior-priest duel, and a thief duel. We agree while Reisha speaks with the Kebnegardian swan. It says it can't remember anything before waking up in this place. We rest at the duchess'.

Duels and Are You Kidding Me?, part II
Friday, December 16th, 987 AD

In the morning, while heading towards the dueling grounds, we encounter a mob beating a man they suspect of being a spy. Wong, for reasons only she and God know, decides to intervene on the suspect's behalf. We escort him and the mob to the palace, all the while being heckled by three pagan priests who call for the suspect's blood. We hand the suspect over to some guards and Wong explains that the man is of the same order as Caleb, the man who beat her in a duel. She felt obligated to help. We go to our dueling grounds and choose our champions to be Ivan, Thalia, Reynaldo, and Anna. Slim casts detect magic on the four opponents and sees that they are bristling with magic.

First, Ivan faces off against the big, stupid Miaslav. Poor Ivan is pounded into paste and is seriously injured. Secondly, Thalia and their king have a sharpshooting match. First, three kinves are thrown, after which Thalia leads by three points, then three arrows are shot, after which Thalia loses by three. Thirdly, Reynaldo and Agnia head into the woods to do battle in their element. About a half-hour later, Reynaldo emerged triumphant. Finally, Anna faced off against their warrior priest. After three minutes prayer time, they faced off, but the priest broke when he saw the flail. He asked Anna how she knew Heloise and then conceded the fight. The duels end in a tie and Ilia does not know what to do. We ask him to let us speak with the Kebnegardian party, where we find out that the priest is named Thorbjorn, but he used to go by Xanax; the King of Kebnegard is named Orm; Agnia's real name is Innocence, and the brute Miaslav used to go by the moniker Droolmouth. King Orm tells us his kingdom is rich not because of some fairy, but because the old party had buried their treasure there. He also mentions that his kingdom is being overrun by very organized giants and that all his people will die without help.

End Chapter Twenty-One

Addendum

A Duel in the Woods
Friday, December 16th, 987 AD

After two horrible losses, I knew it was up to me to keep us going. Ilia Muromitz explained the rules to that traitorous whore Agnia and me.
"You each have a bracelet. In order to win, you must bring back the other person's unconscious body, or their bracelet. Remember, killing equals forfeit. Do you understand?"
We nodded and he said, "Go."
We ran into the woods in separate quarters. Once I was fairly certain no one could see me, I let Isabela out of my clothes and told her to keep an eye out. That stupid bitch Agnia was probably a much better thief than me, but there was no way she possesed any natural magicks. Isabela climb a tree and stayed out of sight, following me everywhere and keeping an extra pair of eyes out for the whore. While stepping around as quietly as I could, I accidentally stepped on a branch, which made a loud crunching noise.

Goddman son of a bitch!

She definitely heard me. Luckily, Isabela was able to spot her. I still couldn't see her because she was hidden way too well. I let Isabela direct me and I swung my axe in the direction she indicated. Thinking I had spotted her, the moron broke cover and I began chasing her, shooting her with arrows and not letting her out of my sight. She finally stopped and brandished her sword. I once again took up my axe and we started hacking at each other. After striking me with her sword, she snorted and said, "You better take care of your wound."
Sure enough, the wound from her sword was bleeding like a fucking sieve. I had to stop beating the shit out of her so that I could bind the wound. She used the opportunity to run and hide, the coward. I instructed Isabela to keep a close watch and I attacked her with arrows again when I spotted her ridiculous attempt at hiding. I got tired of missing, so I started shooting magic missiles, which had no effect on her. A broach on her shirt seemed to be absorbing the missiles, the cheater. I switched back to arrows, and once again, seeing she couldn't outrun me, struck me with her sword again. I hit her with my axe and once again, I had to stop and bind my wounds. This continued for some time, until finally, sensing she would never be able to hide from me because I have the eyes of a true elven warrior, Agnia gave up. She recognized me as superior to her in every way and removed her bracelet to give to me. I ran back to the edge of the woods, picked up Isabela, and presented the bracelet to Ilia. Shortly thereafter, a very angry Agnia stepped out from the woods and showed everyone she was still alive. I had won this round for my party. Unfortunately, the stupid cunt would get her revenge on me later, for which I'm still paying. But know this, reader, I will have my revenge, and no doubt you will read of it in this very journal, either written by our chronicler, or most likely by me, and you will know that I am not to be fucked with. After her, I plan on visiting some stupid underground elves and wiping their entire race from the earth. And then maybe I'll have to destroy a few harpies... but I'm getting way ahead of myself. All you need to know is that I have a list.

Reynaldo

End Addendum Chapter Twenty-One