Road to Kiev, Chapter Twenty-Two
The Big Day, of Which I Was Not a Part Of
Friday, December 16th, 987 AD
In the morning, we look for King Orm because we think we will be better served by making a joint plea to the prince. While waiting for the conference to start, King Orm arrives, but declines the offer of a joint plea. He will however make a favorable argument for us nonetheless. The party talks about the Octopus Gods they are trying to destroy, just to make sure everybody's on the same page. Upon hearing this, Reisha and Ivan decide that this is more important than their town, and that Agafangul was probably right anyway. They're going to back up the main party's plea. The conference starts and all of us, but Reynaldo, Wong, Thalia, Reisha, and Ivan, are escorted out. Reynaldo promises to write about the conference afterwards. While waiting for the conference to end, a guard tells us that a Leshie is waiting for us on one of the bridges of Kiev. Apparently, it's the same one that wanted to take our swan, but he's brought friends this time. We go to the bridge and see two Leshies and a wolf creature. After some more bartering that does not suit us at all, Nicolae casts Friendship again and instructs the two Leshies to attack the wolf. The wolf quickly turns into a Leshie and asks what the hell? Nicolae then instructs the two Leshies to attack each other, which they do. The party takes on the third Leshie. They fight valiantly when one Leshie grows to an enormous size. We see a Magic Missile hit and it shrinks away. The rest of the party has finally emerged from the conference and has joined the fray. The remaining to Leshies are destroyed. We go to the duchess' to rest. At the appointed time, those invited go to the Palace again where the prince will make his decision. He decides to help Constantinople. Reynaldo, in possibly the worst idea he's ever had, and that's saying something, decides to go out with Agnia, where he learns that they have a tailed-man prisoner in Kebnegard.
A Thief in the Night, and It's Not Reynaldo
Saturday, December 17th, 987 AD
In the morning, Reynaldo realizes Irethazan's spell book has been stolen. It has been switched with a copy of the Aeneid. A note inside says, "See you in Kebnegard." After much, much, much swearing, Reynaldo and Wong buy some horses for the party, Reynaldo putting up most of the gold, so that we can go after her. Ivan and Slim are too hurt to go with us, and Reisha volunteers to stay behind to tend to them. We travel through two towns as quickly as we can and find out she's double-backed to somewhere near Kiev. There is much swearing.
End Chapter Twenty-Two
Addendum
The Big Meeting
Friday, December 16th, 987 AD
I promised the chronicler I'd write this for him, so here I am. I'm gonna do this to the best of my ability, but it's been awhile and I've probably forgotten tons of shit. But here goes.
The prince showed kind of late, but whatever, it's his party. We were seated in a semi-circle as follows: King Orm and Thorbjorn from Kebnegard were at the very edge on the prince's left. Then it was Reisha and Ivan, who were called the Byzantine Dwarves, probably because of their association to us. Then Wong, Thalia, and me, from Byzantium. On our immediate right was Phineas and Esther from Khazaria. To their right were three empty seats, but a placard said that's where the delegates from Novgorod should be sitting. Next was seated the Duchess Anna Ivanovna with Svyatogor, a Bogatear, standing right behind her. Next was the prince's throne. To his immediate left was standing Mikula Selyanovich and to his immediate right was standing Ilia Muromitz, both Bogatears. Sitting to the prince's right was Princess Nastasya of Poland. To her right was Volga, the Bogatear, Chestina, and Bisek, all representing Chernigov. To their right was supposed to be a Volotok from Polotsk, but instead there was a Volotokovnia. Simple clerical error, I'm sure. To her right was Agafangul and Bezzhen, the two dwarves that had attacked Ivan and Reisha, and finally, to their right were two of the pagan priests that had called for the suspect's blood earlier that day, Chimislava and Boiomir. They represented Turov-Pinsk.
Again, the prince showed up late, but got right down to business. He started picking place names out of a hat to see in what order we'd all ask for help. The first name he drew was Polotsk. Volotokovnia was a dark woman who slightly resembled an Arab in hue.
Prince Vladimir: I thoght a man was coming from Polotsk.
Volotokovnia: The messenger was mistaken. I see he even spelled my name wrong because of his assumption. Your Highness, I bring tidings and goodwill from Polotsk. I know Polotsk and Kiev have had their differences in the past, and I have to ask nothing of you. To strengthen the bond between us, I have come to warn you of spies in your midst. These spies, which I shall point out in a minute, belong to a rogue element in Polotsk that wants to separate from the Empire. The spies are those sitting there.
Can you believe the bitch pointed at us?
Me: Now wait just a second here--
Ilia: Please, sir. Do not speak until it is your turn.
I hate being told to shut up, but this was more important than my particular pet peeves.
Volotokovnia: That is all, Your Highness. Remember that these spies do not belong to the proper government of Polotsk. They sow the seeds of discord for another party.
She sat down and the prince called the representatives of Kebnegard. King Orm told him exactly what he told us and added that if his kingdom were to fall, the giants would surely turn their attention southward, to the other kingdoms of men. He also said that any positive consideration for his plea should not negatively affect the consideration for plea from the representatives of Constantinople, meaning us. Next, the prince called on Princess Nastasya.
Princess: Thank you, Your Highness. I would like to bring your attention to a matter that involves all of us. Your sister has gone missing, has she not?
Prince Vladimir: Yes. Do you have information regarding this?
Princess: Only that she is not the only one. Other women, all over the realm are going missing.
At this point, the representatives from Novgorod show up. They are Sadko and Amalfa Timoleyevna. Sadko apologizes for their tardiness and then mentions that King Orm's cousin has also been taken. The prince calls on Agafangul next.
Agafangul: Sir, we ask only that the plea from the representatives of Constantinople be considered with the highest regard. Troops should be sent down there as fast as possible.
Hw sat down and we were stunned. I assumed this was yet another ploy to keep Ivan and Reisha away from Dwarfholm, but I personally didn't care. The more people backing us up, the better we'd look. Especially after that spy bullshit. The prince then called on the representatives of Tirov-Minsk, the two pagan priests.
Chimislava: I have been to many parts of our great empire and have witnessed a terrible thing. So-called religions from faraway places are coming into the Empire and turning our people from the old ways. No longer do I hear the name of Stryborg or Simargul said with reverence. I hear only of this Christos or Allah or the nameless god of the Khazars. And now, these heathens come from Constantinople and try to form an alliance with us. To what end? To convert us to their Christos. No, I say! I am inclined to agree with the representative of Polotsk that they probably are spies. Why else would they protect another spy that was found this morning? Your Highness, you should keep the troops at home and release them to purge these religions so that Simargul's name will ring throughout the empire! Down with the heathens and their ways! You must think of the Empire's well being!
The prince doesn't seem to keen on this, which is awesome, but then calls on the Khazars.
Phineas: Your Highness, there has also been bad blood between Kiev and Khazaria. Your grandfather conquered the land no too long ago. But I have come here, Your Highness, to plead fealty to your crown. We merely wish not to be attacked again, as some reports are suggesting. We do not want to fall under your blade. We are not planning an insurrection of any sort. We merely wish to be left alone to worship our God. Thank you.
The prince then calls on Chernigov.
Volga: Sir, as you know, I went to Chernigov to look for adventure and I have found it. The Muslims of the east, led by the Kahn of Petineg who rides on a winged golden stallion and has a talking cat as an advisor, are getting ready to attack Chernigov. You must send troops up there to defend our borders and show these Muslims that we are not to be trifled with.
Next, Ivan and Reisha are called. They also back us up. And then it's my turn... I mean, our turn.
Me: First off, Your Highness, let me thank you for the wonderful hospitality you have shown us in your grand city. Now to business. We have never been to Polotsk, nor, at the risk of showing our own ignorance, know where this city is. There is no way we could be spies from there. As for this morning, we merely wished to make sure that suspect in question receive a fair trial by your law. We did not attack the mob and run off with the man. We merely made sure he was not murdered before he could be judged by your wise rulings.
So I kiss some butt when I have to. Who doesn't?
Me: As I'm sure you already know from the letter we gave to Ilia, Constantinople is under attack from the usurper Bardas Phocas, and it needs help. The Emperor Basil II has offered an alliance between our two great nations to last well past this war. An alliance with the power that controls the gate to the Mediterranean Sea will bring your nation great wealth from trade. Land routes to the west and south will open to you. And when Kiev is attacked, Constantinople will come to your aid. To cement this alliance, the Emperor offers the hand of his cousin Anna to you in marriage.
At this point, Chimislava gasps.
Me: Also, we would like to ask that any positive consideration of our plea will not negatively affect the consideration of the plea from Kebnegard. Thank you, Your Highness.
Look at us making friends. This shit never happens. The prince then called on Novgorod.
Amalfa Timoleyevna: Your Highness, Novgorod is under attack by strange creatures. There are monsters, little girls with stone hands, and men with tails attacking our province. My son is fighting valiantly, as are all the able-bodied men, but it is simply not enough. We need help as soon as possible. Please.
After everyone had spoken, the prince asked a few questions.
Prince Vladimir: Ivan, is it not true that you came to us before looking for help for your town, Dwarfholm?
Ivan: Yes, Your Highness, but Agafangul here has assured us that Dwarfholm is now safe.
Prince Vladimir: This is the same Agafangul that you accused of trying to kill you not two days ago?
Ivan: Erm, yes, but, see, that was a... uhh... misunderstanding.
Prince Vladimir: I see. Reynaldo, how is it you acquired the Great Swan?
Me: It was not easy, Your Highness. We had to travel within the Ring of Fire to get it.
Prince Vladimir: You're right, that is not an easy task. And you King Orm? How is it you came by the Great Swan?
King Orm (loosening his collar): Well, see, the truth is we just polymorphed a goat.
Prince Vladimir: I see. Reynaldo, have you read this letter that the Emperor sent me.
Me: We were given a copy of the letter, Your Highness, but we never read the one that was affixed with the seal, obviously.
Prince Vladimir: Does you copy say that in order to marry Princess Anna, I must convert to your Christianity?
Me: Uhh...
Those stupid idiots! I pretended to look over my copy of the letter knowing full well it said nothing of the sort and cursing the morons back in Constantinople for making such a dumbass request.
Me: No, Your Highness. Our copy contains nothing of that sort.
Prince Vladimir: I see. Well then, I bid you all come back in a few hours. I shall have to weigh all these matters before I come to a conclusion.
We left to help out our buddies against that stupid Leshie again, and then returned at the appointed time.
Prince Vladimir: Listen, and listen carefully, for these are the edicts that I will make. Representatives from Chernigov, you should deal with these Muslims in a diplomatic fashion. If hostilities do break, Khazaria will prove their loyalty by rushing to your aid. I cannot, however, send you troops. To the Princess Nastasya, I cannot spend too many resources in finding these women, but I will allow the Bogatyrs to look for them if they wish. To the representatives of Tirov-Pinsk, I will not turn my army against my own people, no matter what their beliefs. We practice tolerance here, and if you do not like it, you can go elsewhere. To the representative of Polotsk, no, your claim is simply not believed. The representatives of Constantinople are exactly who they say they are. In fact, I have chosen to send my army to help them. The great Kievan Army will help them defeat their enemy and once this is accomplished, we'll see if they will not give me Princess Anna without my conversion. This of course means that I cannot send a force to either Kebnegard or Novgorod. You are both just too far away for me to send a force. Thank you all for coming.
Amalfa Timoleyevna: But, Your Highness, these are your people!
Prince Vladimir: You knew my answer even before you came down here Amalfa. There was no reason to think it would change.
And he left. We had done we were supposed to do. It was a good feeling, especially after all that squabbling when we realized who exactly the Kebnegardians were. I'm glad there was no joint plea, or any other ridiculous scheme of the sort. Kiev was going to help Constantinople, and I am going to be paid handsomely.
Reynaldo
[Editor's Note: Even though this appears after Reynaldo's account of his battle with Agnia, it seems he wrote this before she stole the book. He still seems to, if not like, at least respect those from Kebnegard. This must have been written either before, or immediately after his fateful date with Agnia.]
End Addendum Chapter Twenty-Two
