Road to Kebnegard, Chapter Twenty

All Kinds of Surprises
Thursday, April 12th, 988 AD

After resting for the night, we get ready to go back into the dungeon when Vera hears somebody coming through the forest. We brace for impact, but Wong and Reynaldo immediately recognize the short dwarf headed their way. Reisha is introduced to Vera and Shara, and vice versa.

Wong: What are you doing here? I thought your town needed saving and stuff.
Reisha: Yeah, I'm on that. By the way, did your Norse get better?
Wong: Yeah, thanks for noticing.
Reynaldo: Hey, you still got that crying Virgin Mary thing?
Reisha: Yeah, why?
Reynaldo: Could you use it to check up on Ivan? You see, the rest of the kids went on to Kebnegard ahead of us and we just want to make sure they're okay.
Reisha: I can't use it on them.
Wong: Why not?
Reisha: Because I don't care about any of them, especially Ivan. That selfish idiot turned his back on his home for that ridiculous quest.
Reynaldo: You turned your back on the world for your town. Who's the bigger selfish idiot?
Wong: Anyway, what are you doing here?
Reisha: Like I said, I'm helping Dwarfholm.
Reynaldo: Hate to break it to you, but Dwarfholm's about three hundred miles that way.
Reisha: I know where it is, unbeliever. But I need something that I can only get here.
Reynaldo: What's that? Maybe we can help after we finish this sword thing.
Reisha: What sword thing?
Wong: Grettor here was delivering a sword to some Masonic kensai and got waylaid. After some shenanigans involving some burning rope--
Reynaldo: I did not burn the goddamn rope!
Wong: The sword fell into that dungeon over there that may or may not contain a dragon.
Reynaldo: Hey, that weird little Kobold backed me up on that!
Wong: Right, because Kobolds are known as supremely honest creatures.
Reynaldo: I think I liked you slightly better when you were more retarded. Slightly.
Reisha: I can help you out. There's gonna be blood, right?
Reynaldo: Uhh... probably?
Reisha: Yeah, I can help you.

The party heads back down into the dungeon and announces themselves to the Kobolds. The same Kobold as before (we assume; they all look alike) greets us past the murder holes.

Kobold: Hail Korminak! Have you come to bathe in the blood of the dragon?
Reynaldo: See, dragons, blood, we got the whole fucking cake down here.
Wong: Mmm, cake.
Kobold: Will you be going to fight the demons today?
Reynaldo: Yes, yes we will.
Shara: But we will need you to leave your fortifications down, in case we need to make a speedy retreat.
Kobold: What will happen to my people then?
Wong: They'll probably get slaugh--
Reynaldo (elbowing Wong in the ribs): I can web up your two corridors here so that anything chasing us will go right past you and outside.

The Kobold thinks about this for a while.

Kobold: Web the north passageway, but leave this one open.
Reynaldo: Deal.
Kobold: Hail Korminak!
Reynaldo: Right.

Reynaldo webs up the north corridor as the rest of the party takes down the Kobolds' fortifications. We proceed. There are more steps leading downward and we come to a T-intersection. Vera listens and tells us that up ahead there are creepy whispers and to the left there is rock being picked. Reynaldo says left because creepy voices are, well, creepy. The party agrees. We go left and then left again. There is a slight upward slope as we see three boulders in a room up ahead. Reynaldo stops.

Reynaldo: Five will get you ten that at least one of those isn't a regular rock.

Almost as if on command, the middle boulder grows legs and a face develops.

Boulder (speaking very slowly): Silly humans. They never learn.

The other two boulders come rolling down at us. We destroy them as they try to roll over us.

Boulder: Hurm. You're stronger than the last humans, but you still won't beat us.

Reynaldo then decides to bring the fight to the rock monster. He rushes towards him and Lightning Bolts him in the face. As he turns around to head back to the party, a wall forms in front of him. The rest of us are trapped behind the wall and we start picking away at it. Luckily, we can still hear him.

Reynaldo: Well, fuck.

A boulder slowly rolls towards Reynaldo.

Boulder: I suggest you put your weapon down and come over here and talk.
Reynaldo: Okay, here's my counter-offer. I'll come over there, but I get to keep my weapon.
Boulder: Here's my counter-offer, I smash you to a pulp with my rock.
Reynaldo: Putting down the weapon.

Reynaldo puts his Axe down and follows the boulder as it heads into the room.

Reynaldo: So, what's your name?
Boulder: (makes a rumbly noise)
Reynaldo: Okay, Rumbly Noise. I'm Reynaldo. Why did you attack us?
Rumbly Noise: You humans are coming down here and picking away at the earth. We don't like it.
Reynaldo: (to the party) Quit picking! (to Rumbly Noise) Actually, I'm an elf.
Rumbly Noise: But Elves are extinct.
Reynaldo: Okay, you know what? Yeah, we're fucking extinct. Pay no attention to irrefutable proof otherwise that's right in front of you.
Rumbly Noise: Have you come to get your friends?
Reynaldo: I don't have any friends.
Rumbly Noise: The humans that came down before you. The ones that were destroying the earth.
Reynaldo: I don't know those people, but I'm interested in who they are.
Rumbly Noise: We then, follow me.
Reynaldo: Can my party come as well? And more importantly, can I get my Axe?
Rumbly Noise: Do you promise not to attack me or destroy the earth?

Reynaldo answers in the affirmative and the wall disappears. Reynaldo picks up his Axe and we all follow Rumbly Noise through a series of walls that he makes disappear. We appear in another room and hear scratching from behind another wall. Rumbly Noise tells us that the men brought a large dog underground with them. The party sighs. Rumbly Noise opens the wall and we go in.

We see four dead bodies and a large dog. There is a vicious battle with this strong beast, but we fell it. During the battle, Reisha tells us that she needs a cup of Elven blood in order to cleanse her town. Reynaldo is a little repulsed, but acquiesces. We search the bodies, find some gold and a letter. Shara reads the letter out loud while Reynaldo, Wong, and Reisha gasp. Shara and Vera demand answers and Reynaldo tells them all about the threat from the Octopuses, their agents the Tailed Men, and Ikulu. They're more than a little overwhelmed. We decide to head back out to rest for awhile. The Kobolds agree to extend the truce until we're done clearing the dungeon for them.

Once we're done resting, we're almost in the dungeon again when Vera hears more rustling in the woods. We all tense up as another short dwarf comes into the clearing. This one, however, is recognized by no one and is ridiculously old. He introduces himself as Rebbe Moishe ben Shlomo.

Moishe: Oy, my aching joints. You think maybe I can sit down, on the ground, over here?
Wong: It's a free clearing.
Shara: Yes, nature belongs to everyone.
Moishe: I've been walking forever. What, ah, what are you fine young people doing out here?
Reynaldo: Collecting dwarves, apparently. Your accent, I can't place it. Where are you from?
Moishe: I am from the land of the Khazars, now conquered by Kiev.
Wong: Yeah, we met some of your countrymen in Kiev.
Moishe: Oh, well, we do travel on occasion. Personally, I didn't used to travel much. I'm a religious scholar, you see, and I've spent most of my life in synagogues and libraries studying up Ikulu.
Everybody: Whaaaaa-!?
Moishe: Oh, you know of her? Yeah, a long time ago, she took an artifact from my people that we didn't even know existed. And now, we can't remember what it is she took.
Vera: She stole it from you?
Moishe: No, no. I guess you'd say she borrowed it. But then she lost it. I've wanted to go out and look for it myself, but every adventuring party I ask says, "Moishe, you're too old, you're gonna slow us down." So I have to do it myself.
Reynaldo: Well, knowledge of Ikulu buys you a spot in our little group.
Moishe: That's wonderful! But you should know now, I'm no good at all with a weapon.
Wong: That's all right, no one here besides me is either.

The now expanded group heads back into the dungeon (on the way through the stone doors, Reisha remarks, "Oh, Montsognir. He was an ancient dwarven chieftain," so that mystery is solved) and goes back to the T-intersection. We head in the direction of the creepy voices, expecting to find demons. And we do. Naked, hillbilly demons. There are three of them with various weapons designed to hurt us. But we kill one of them and the other two disappear. This leads us to believe that they might have been conjured, except for the dead, naked hillbilly still lying on the floor. We continue on and the other two demon hillbillies pop up again. This time we kill them for sure, but unfortunately, Vera and Shara have gone down. We go back to the room where we met Rumbly Noise to rest. The rest of us decide to press on without them. Grettor volunteers to stay with them, in case something comes to hurt them while they rest.

The remaining party members continue exploring the dungeon. They reach a room that has been guarded against. A lot of debris had been piled up against the room and there are a lot of dwarven skeletons. In the room there is a triangle inside a circle inscribed on the floor. We think the dwarves conjured something that they then had to defend themselves from. Whatever it was totally mopped the floor with the dwarves and got out of the room. As we're leaving the room, two invisible dwarves try to backstab Reynaldo and Reisha and totally fail. One of them tells us to leave immediately when he sees Reisha and Moishe. We ignore them and continue exploring.

We find a room that contains a chest that has a ring and a crown, both non-magical. We then find a very large room with two entrances, but we hear heavy breathing coming from in there, and assume that's where the dragon is. So we all go back to the room where Grettor, Vera, and Shara are and rest.

After the rest period, Shara is well enough to come with us, but unfortunately, Vera is still too hurt to join us. We come up with a plan where Conrad, Wong, Reisha, and Moishe go through the front entrance and distract the dragon while Reynaldo and Shara go in through the back and sneak around looking for the sword. If the dragon for some reason notices Reynaldo and Shara, Shara can throw up an Obscurement spell and they can make a hasty retreat. We set the plan in motion and immediately notice that is not a dragon, but a Polar Worm (which is a misnomer since the Polar Worm radiates a tremendous amount of heat). Conrad and Wong take turns fighting the dragon while Reisha prays for them and Moishe heals them. Shara and Reynaldo run around the rest of the room looking for the sword but instead find a very large statue of a dwarf with two very large rubies for eyes. Reynaldo almost forgets what he's doing. Moishe notices that there is something wrapped around one of the Worm's hind legs. He and Shara notice that it is the sword. Before they can act to remove it, Wong kills the beast and deftly avoids the very hot blood. The party collects the sword, while Reynaldo inspects the rope.

Reynaldo: See, no burn marks. I totally didn't burn this rope.

As they are about to collect the large rubies the two invisible dwarves try to backstab the party again and fail, again. They kill one of them and force the other one to talk. It tries to spin a story about how the Kobolds hired them to kill the party, but Moishe sees that the dwarf is an evil creature so we kill him too. Reynaldo collects the rubies, we cut the head off of the Polar Worm to take with us, we go get Grettor (who verifies that the sword is the one that was stolen from him) and Vera, and we head out.

On our way out, the Kobold addresses us again.

Kobold: Hail Korminak!
Reynaldo: Sure. Look, your dungeon is clear of all danger, but you'll have share with some rock creatures who don't like it when you pick at the rocks, so try not to remodel. Here's the head of your dragon.
Kobold: Did you bathe in the blood of the dragon?
Reynaldo: Sure.
Kobold: You did? Come, speak with Korminak!
Reynaldo: Wait, I thought you were Korminak, and you were just on an ego trip.

The Kobold takes Reynaldo into another room where an aged Kobold sits on a throne.

Kobold: Hail Korminak!
Korminak: You who have bathed in the blood of the dragon, what have you seen?
Reynaldo: Like, while I was bathing, you mean?
Korminak: Yes, while you were bathing in the blood of the dragon.
Reynaldo: Well, let's see... I saw a lot of red... there was a couple of scales... umm...
Korminak: I see. Thank you for clearing the dungeon. Good bye.
Reynaldo: Wait, what did you see?
Korminak: Good bye.

So Reynaldo leaves King Korminak's presence and tells the party he's gonna go bathe in the blood of the dragon. The party all goes back to where the Polar Worm was felled and strips down. Wong and Reisha makes noises about modesty and such, but they've seen it all before. Shara decides to bathe in the blood as well, but neither of them see anything. They all leave dungeon and go sleep in the shack, except for Reisha, who bids the party farewell.

Morning
Friday, April 13th, 988 AD

In the morning, the party remembers that they have one of the boxes and the other half has the other one. Before they send a message, though, Reynaldo notices that all his hair is gone. All of it is gone.

Shara: Because we don't look freakish enough as it is.

End Chapter Twenty
Previous: Road to Kebnegard, Chapter Nineteen
Next: Road to Kebnegard, Chapter Twenty-One