Road to Hyperborea, Chapter Eight

Dwarven Street Fighting, part III
Saturday, June 16th, 988 AD

As we attempt to leave Ketelheim, Ivan is backstabbed. We turn and see Brezhnev, Ivan’s former comrade at arms. He says something about a Natasha, but Ivan just stabs him right back. He suddenly disappears, dropping a glass vial, and Reynaldo curses the idiotic use of such a powerful spell.

We rush towards the city gates, but we’re accosted by a dozen dwarves, including Agafangul and Brezhnev, a girl with giant hands, and a ten-and-a-half foot giant. Edward takes on the girl, who just pummels him and tries to get to Anna. Edward puts of a formidable defense, however, and does not let her pass. The rest of us grab some dwarves, and fight. Ivan squares off against Agafangul and the giant, named Oscar and Irish apparently, makes a beeline for Anna. Anna casts Impending Permission on Oscar, making it impossible for him to do anything without first asking Anna’s permission. Edward has to pull out of battle, and Thalia takes over the girl for him. At some point in the battle, a funny little creature tries to pick the pocket of a dwarf and is pulled into the melee. There are two dwarves on Oddvar, who just cannot land a hit on the nimble youth. Oddvar dispatches one and the other just quits in frustration. Oddvar tries to influence the other dwarves reactions to also give up, but they don’t until Thalia decapitates the big-handed girl. Agafangul says that he and Ivan should fight one-on-one to decide the fate of battle. Ivan agrees, but Brezhnev wants to keep fighting Conrad, as they have been meleeing for awhile as well. Brezhnev takes Conrad out, but Ivan utterly destroys Agafangul, but is not allowed to kill him by the rest of the Intrepid Heroes.

Oscar introduces himself and exhibits sorrow at having to fight females, as he really doesn’t like doing it. He tells us he’s from Dublin and while the rest of the party ties up the dwarves, Reynaldo tries to hire Oscar as a second henchman.

We rechristen Oddvar the Younger as Oddvar the Untouchable.

The funny little creature that tried to pick a pocket is recognized by Jean-Claude as Hooba-Zooba KenderSchmender. He is a druid who is currently traveling by fastening himself to three giant bees and letting them fly where they may. Jean-Claude warns us all to watch our pockets, and expressly forbids HZ from stealing from anybody, lest his hand be cut off anew (apparently, this has happened before and HZ received a cool metal hand for his trouble).

We leave town with our dwarven captives, and rest out in the woods.

Talking About Our Feelings
Sunday, June 17th, 988 AD

We heal up and talk to the dwarves.

Ivan: What the fuck!? How many times do I have to kick your ass before you leave me alone!?
Edward: Please, brother, there is no need for that kind of language. But the question is valid.
Agafangul: We lost people in Dwarfholm. Each of us lost somebody in the battle to rid our land of evil because you weren’t there to fight alongside us!
Ivan: Are you joking? Do you understand that in battle, people will die, regardless of who is there or not?
Brezhnev: But you could have saved Natasha. She wouldn’t have had to fight if you had!
Ivan: You all lost somebody close to you, did you?

All the dwarves assembled nodded.

Ivan: So man up, you bunch of pussies! Boo-hoo, you lost loves ones. It fucking happens. They defended Dwarfholm. This is how you honor their memories? By picking a fight with somebody who wasn’t at all responsible? They died in battle, with honor. You are sullying that honor! When I kicked you ass in Kiev, you didn’t even want me to head back to Dwarfholm. Something about me being unclean or some shit.
Brezhnev: What the hell are you talking about?
Thalia: You didn’t want him or Reisha to go back. I remember that. You told Prince Vladimir that everything had been taken care of in Dwarfholm.
Agafangul: I… kind of remember that… but why would I say that? We weren’t safe until Reisha came back with a cup of Elven blood.
Reynaldo: Yeah, that was mine. You’re welcome, by the way.
Edward: Have your memories been tampered with?
Agafangul: I… don’t know. Everything’s just so fuzzy from back then. Why is it whenever I think about Ivan, the name Yanko pops into my head.
Ivan: I don’t know who that is.
Edward: Look, we’re all very sorry about your loved ones, but allying yourself with an evil creature? The ends do not justify the means, gentlemen, especially when the ends are suspect to begin with.
Oscar: Hey, I’m not evil!
Reynaldo: Not you, buddy, You’re cool, but seriously, about that job?
Edward: No, we mean the girl. She is an evil creature. How did you come to be allied with her?
Agafangul: She was sold to us by an albino sailor. His name was Eugenius, and he seemed to be getting rid of a lot of stuff in Upsala because he was rushing north for some reason. We got her cheap. We really couldn’t control her. We just kind of pointed her in the right direction and hoped for the best. As you saw, she tried to go after your holy woman instead of Ivan, like I wanted her to.
Ivan: You stupid idiot. That albino is allied with the people who attacked Dwarfholm. He was pretending to deliver goods to Novgorod during their siege and he turned out to be a saboteur. These girls are their weapons.
Thalia: Obviously, somebody played with your heads in Kiev. We bear you no ill-will--
Ivan: Speak for yourself.
Thalia: I propose a truce. We’ll draw up some papers to that effect and we’ll keep a copy and you’ll keep a copy so that the next time we meet, we can prove we’re no longer enemies. In case your memories are changed again.

They agree and we part. The giant Oscar tells us he’s not actually a Giant, but a Furbolg. He also tells Reynaldo he cannot become his henchman because he owes his allegiance to Ali, the ruler of Ireland. He’s on a secret mission that he cannot divulge. We part friends with Oscar.

We sail down to Hudic to take a look at those pyramids, but they’re missing. In their place we find two pyramid shaped holes, making us believe the pyramids weren’t pyramids at all, but half-buried diamonds.

We head into Hudic and ask the populace about the missing pyramids. They tell us they disappeared about when the Giants were heading north.

Reynaldo remembers the Betterment books that we received in the Tarot Dungeon and asks Anna to Divinate about them. God responds that he cannot answer that particular question because of some obscure celestial law. Reynaldo doesn’t buy it, and some asks for a Commune. He sells the idea by telling the party that we need to know whether to head back up north, or to continue south, to Constantinople for money and to Chrysopolis for a tete-a-tete with Eorl. We ask the following questions and God provides the following answers:

Do our best opportunities to confound our enemies lie in the Giant Castle? No
Are the Tailed People based in the Northlands (Reynaldo had previously defined the Northlands as comprising of Sweden, Norway, and Finland)? No
Are any of Ikulu’s Shopping List items in the Northlands? No
Is one of Ikulu’s daughters on the moon? Yes
Was the Elven Shrine meant as a message or code to the people of the future? No
Did Igwolf have a son? Yes
Was that son Alexander the Great? Yes
Does one of the Betterment books make you more intelligent? I cannot answer that because of arcane celestial law
Do the Octopuses plan on breaching the Empyrian Layer? No

We decide Hyperborea is a bust and we are going south to regroup, and maybe get some new information. Reynaldo, also swears he will find pearls worth enough for Oddvar’s Identify spell. He really wants to know what’s in those books.

We rest in Hudic.

Arrival at Upsala
Monday, June 18th, 988 AD

We sail south all day and reach Upsala. We walk into the city.

End of Chapter Eight