Road to Kebnegard, Chapter Thirty

What Didn't Happen Today?*
Tuesday, May 15th, 988 AD

As we got ready to rest, Nicolae and Reynaldo had an epiphany. They came up with a plan that could get everybody past the giants to the other side of the dungeon with no battle. The plan is for Reynaldo and Nicolae to polymorph into a troll and a mage ogre, respectively, and infiltrate the giants. Using a Friend spell, they will try to convince the giants that the party waylaid them and is about to destroy the mountain. When the mountain clears of giants, they will contact the rest of us using the Message Boxes and we all can rush across and go to the lava room.

Reynaldo and Nicolae polymorph into mice and leave the room. The rest of us play with Ivan's 49-card deck for a little while. Then we swap stories about our past ridiculous plans that totally worked like "Remember that time when we killed the Bronze Giant in the Greek Islands?" or "Remember that time we got that Giant Swan out of that Ring of Fire?" or our personal favorite "Remember that time we got into Novgorod even though there were tons of giants and zombies in our way?" There's something about recounting past brushes with Death that just bolsters an adventurer's spirit like nothing else in the world.

After Ivan's seventh retelling of how he got his Toe Helmet (I swear, that tale gets taller everytime he tells it), a stink goes up in the room. We all blame Jean-Claude until we realize that it's coming from Edward. He checks his pockets and finds the Message Box. He opens it and sees a message in Reynaldo's scrawl which reads, "Now! Fucking now!"

Ivan and Edward quickly get up and start smashing through the inch thick stone-shaped wall. When they burst through, something moves to block them. It's an Umber Hulk and it's eyes immediately begin to work their mojo. Ivan turns and attacks Edward, taking him down. Anna casts Recitation and Jean-Claude lets fly with his Christian-powered Magic Missiles. Ivan, momentarily regaining his senses, shoves his spear deep into the creature. Thalia comes up and kills the creature dead. Ivan picks up Edward, apologizing profusely, and we all rush towards the Killing Rooms (the three rooms in which we were previously ambushed by the giants).

While were telling stories and fighting Umber Hulks, Reynaldo and Nicolae were talking to Jotens. With the help of his Friend spell, he was able to convince the Jotens in the Killing Rooms that we had indeed thrashed them thoroughly and had enacted our plan to blow up the mountain. The giant in charge of that detachment informed our allies that they were planning to blow up the mountain in six hours time. Regardless, he said, Reynaldo and Nicolae should go upstairs and inform those higher on the chain of command. So they climbed up and walked over into a room full of Joten and Nicolae cast another Friend spell and told them the same lie. They dropped names like Amamon, Bolthar, Euginius, and Jansaxo, and then they said they'd go send Logi to check it out, as he could travel through flame. Nicolae and Reynaldo went back to the Killing Rooms and told those assembled there, including the Frost Giant, that the higher-ups had decided they were all to evacuate. Except for the Giant Skeletons, all the Joten climbed up into the other room and confusion began to set it. Reynaldo sent the message off, and Nicolae removed the ladder so they couldn't come back down as quickly.

Once order was restored, the Joten were told to resume their posts down below. An ogre mage flew down to retrieve the ladder and Reynaldo cast a Wall of Fire to bar their pursuit. That's when the rest of us showed up. Edward weakly produced his crucifix and shouted "Repent!" and the Skeletons ran off. Nicolae, still in ogre mage form, went ahead when he saw that the giants had started coming around the other side to head us off. He started screaming about some attack we were about to unleash down the corridor, again, while his Friend spell was active. Anna's reading of the Rainbow scroll certainly helped sell his story, and we had a bridge to cross over the giant crustaceans' pits. We ran down the corridor and headed towards the Lava Room and Cain beyond.

Using Thorbjorn's map, found our way to a room with two of those half-columns in it. Fearing a similar response as from the ones in the Killing Rooms, we carefully checked inside of them and saw only human skeletons. On the outside, in Hebrew, the words Adah and Zillah were carved. Moishe said they were Lamech's wives, and Lamech was Cain's great-great-great grandson. Farther in, there is another room with two more columns, an apparation of some sort shows up, but Edward quickly turns it away. We continue towards where the map says the Lava Room is. In the corridor before the room, we are accosted by about a dozen dwarf-sized men with flaming beards. They tell us to state our business in the name of Amamon and Jean-Claude Lightning Bolts them instead. Ivan and Anna move in for close combat and take heat damage just by standing near them. Nicolae blinds a few and Reynaldo and Jean-Claude Magic Missile a bunch of them. After we reduce their numbers by over half, a small, winged lava monster shows up and breathes fire at us. Nicolae blinds him and he takes off, hitting walls along the way.

As Ivan and Anna are about to kill the last of the fire men, Nicolae flies past them and sees the Lava Room. It's a large cavern, filled with, of course, lava. There is a little cliff that is actually in the room and there are large metal discs in the middle of the room hanging from the ceiling. The discs have some kind of purple fungus on them and there are three chains leading from the cliff to the lava down below. Nicolae sees more fire men climbing up the chains. She tells the rest of the party and Jean-Claude Lightning Bolts the chains, electrocuting most of them and knocking them off the chains. Nicolae Acid Arrows the chains in order to make them fall, and does so, but four more fire men make it onto the cliff. Jean-Claude Lightning Bolts them and Anna and Ivan make short work of them.

We decide that crossing on the hanging discs is too dangerous as their are lava spurts which keep shooting from below and knocking the discs in all kinds of crazy directions. Also, we don't know what that purple fungus does. And, most important of all, most of the party is either at negative, or only has few hit points left. We decide that Reynaldo and Nicolae should fly Anna, Shara, and Jean-Claude across the room and the five of them would form a strike team codenamed: Candy-Striping Cain! The rest of the party hid in a Rope Trick that Reynaldo conjured up for them, but not before Ivan notices that his spear is glowing.

Reynaldo and Nicolae grabbed Jean-Claude under the armpits and flew him across the cavern. While doing so, they noticed an annex of the cavern that jutted west. There was another couple of chains coming off another cliff and Reynaldo noticed a fire man scrambling up the chain and into a south corridor. They proceeded with the plan anyway. Next, they got Anna, and finally Shara across the cavern. The five of them carefully wound their way around some corridors, and Reynaldo suddenly felt something tugging at his magical, water-breathing tooth. His tooth was beckoning him in a south-westerly direction. Jean-Claude reminded Reynaldo that his tooth was mostly likely a Christian relic and that it was probably reacting to Cain. Reynaldo reminded Jean-Claude that this particular tooth was found in the skull of an ancient Elf King who was buried under an underground city which hadn't seen the sky in so long, the elven inhabitants of the city had forgotten what the sky even was.

They decided to let Nicolae scout ahead, and he found a detachment of Fire Men in a room, waiting for us, presumably. We decided to throw a darkness stone in the room and then, using Thorbjorn's map, go around them using a different route. We tossed the stone and hurried away. We went around, over the Lave Room's western annex, and got to a door marked with a blood sigil and quickly made a pact never to wash it off. We opened the door and closed it behind us, and then opened the next door. Reynaldo's tooth continued pulling him south so they trundled into the next room. In it stood one of the ugliest females any of us had ever seen. She held a dagger in one hand and a rope in the other.

Succubus: Oh, look. We have company.

Reynaldo and Anna immediately took off running, gripped by an unnatural fear that told them only to flee as far and as fast as they could. The succubus immediately attacked the remaining three party members, but Jean-Claude did most of the fighting. Nicolae took the chance to locate Cain and found him surrounded by six other succubi who were all tweaking his nose, pulling his ears, and tousling his hair. He himself seemed to be little more than a gibbering idiot. Nicolae quickly cast Friend, his last spell of the day, and polymorphed into a little girl.

Meanwhile, Anna ran back and forth around a parallel corridor, continually coming face to face with the horrifying visage that had sent her into her panicked run. Reynaldo was nowhere to be found. Anna eventually returned to her senses and joined the party.

Nicolae: Would it be possible for us to take Cain?
Succubus (laughing): Not at all. Our lady has tasked us with tormenting him for as long as possible.
Nicoale: Your lady?
Succubus: Lilith.

The party looked nervously at each other.

Nicolae: You know the Jotens are planning on blowing up the volcano, right?
Succubus: Really? I guess our job will be cut short.
Nicolae: We can take Cain then?
Succubus: Why do you even want him? You know who he is, right?
Nicolae: Yeah, God told us to take him out of here.
Succubus (laughing): Tell you what little girl, leave us two of your companions and the rest of you can leave.
Nicoale: Why do you want them?
Succubus: They'll make a fine meal for me and my sisters.
Nicolae: How about instead we go out and get you an already barbecued guy? Or perhaps a giant? Those guys'll really fill you up.
Succubus: We're just supposed to let you go and hope you come back?
Nicolae: Yes?

The succubi all laughed, and continued tweaking Cain's nose. Shara took the opportunity to quietly slip out of the room and look for Reynaldo.

Succubus: Look, little girl. I like you. I don't why I like you, but I do. Just leave one party member, and the rest of you can go.
Nicolae: Seriously, wouldn't you rather have a toasted man? We'll even leave a guy here so you know we'll come back.
Succubus (laughing): You better come back quick then, because we'll probably eat that guy.

Anna had had enough. She cast Dispel Evil on herself and barged through the succubi and grabbed Cain. The succubi swarmed her, rapidly flying all over, and tried to hit her, but the Dispel Evil spell was making all but impossible. Plus, they were trying extremely afraid of accidentally hitting Cain. Nicolae pretended not to know what was going on and and backed away. Jean-Claude took his cue to book. They all went back the way they came and saw Shara and an ogre with Mirror Images standing in the doorway to the room. Reynaldo's Polymorphed frame kept the succubi out of the room, but allowed the rest of the party through. He and Shara closed the door and we all breathed a sigh of relief. Reynaldo let go of the door and it immediately swung open. The succubi swarmed us again.

Reynaldo: Fuck! Wrong door!

We crossed the room and got to the other door. Once again, Reynaldo blocked the succubi while everybody else got through. He lost most of his Mirror Images, but they were to close the door. The succubi shrieked on the other side as we looked at the door and saw the blood sigil.

Anna: Where have you been?
Reynaldo: Priorities, your Ladyship.

Reynaldo scouted the way ahead when we saw that the darkness stone was not were we had thrown it. He flew close to the ceiling and spotted two Fire Men with axes ready to swing down an unsuspecting neck. He flew back and relayed this to the rest of us. We decided that we should take the long way around again and fly through the Lava Room's annex in one trip. Reynaldo cast Fly on Anna and he tied Cain to himself, the lightest of the non-fliers, while Nicolae tied Jean-Claude to himself, and Anna picked up Shara. We flew around the long way and were surprised by more Fire Men who threw axes at us. We just flew by them but then a lava monster flies right in our way. Jean-Claude Lightning Bolts him and we continue on our way, over the annex and into the Lava Room proper.

As we neared the cliff where our friends pocket in space was located, a burst from the lava shot up and torched Nicolae. He fell unconscious and he spiraled downward. Before Anna could dive and grab them, Jean-Claude reached out with all his strength and grabbed a chain holding the metal discs aloft and stopped his rapid descent. Nicolae's unconscious form hung off him, tied by the rope. Reynaldo and Anna made it to the cliff and set down. Anna went back for Jean-Claude and Nicolae.

The rest of the party got down from the Rope Trick and Ivan noticed again that the spear was glowing.

Ivan: I think I need to dunk this into the lava down there. Jean-Claude, let me borrow your Fire Cloak.
Jean-Claude: We don't have time for this. Plus, you're too badly injured to go dunking things into lava.
Ivan: Stop being a prick about the goddamned cloak! We have plenty of time seeing as how I haven't thrown the stone into the lava.
Jean-Claude: Fine, but you better give this--

Suddenly, a large fire creature appeared menacingly in the center of the room.

Ivan: Right. No time.

He threw the stone into the lava as hard as he could and we all started running. Reynaldo, with Cain tied to him, and Anna led the group out through the shaking and twisting corridors and rooms. Before they could get out, two horses appeared in front of them: one a Nightmare and the other a white horse with red-streaked nostrils. The Nightmare breathed some kind of gas making it difficult for Anna to hit it and the other horse kicked Reynaldo right in the face. He went down and Ivan took his place. Anna cast Righteous Wrath and we were all invigorated. Anna and Ivan fought the two horses savagely. At one point, Ivan's spear almost got caught in the flesh of the white horse, but he was able to pull it free. The shaking got worse and the horses disappeared into the ground. Ivan tied Cain to his body and picked up Reynaldo. We continued running.

We got to one of the exits and saw four giant skeletons. Edward tried to turn them, but failed. Reynaldo led the party back and through another exit where only one skeleton was stationed. Edward easily turned this one and we ran out into the sunshine.

But then a voice rang out from the empty clearing.

Ifrit: Where do you think you're going?

The Ifirit was of course invisible.

Reynaldo: Listen, Raheesh said if you went back to him, there'd be no hard feelings. You can return anytime you want.
Ifrit: What makes you think I want to go back there when I can stay here, with my god Logi.
Reynaldo: That's a good point. Let me think about that while we run for cover.
Ifrit: You're not going anywhere.

A Wall of Fire suddenly surrounded most of us, but it was too big to do any damage. Ivan, Jean-Claude, and Reynaldo had managed to get out, and Anna began ferrying the others out with the Fly spell still on her. Reynaldo took out the Gem of Seeing and told Ivan and Jean-Claude where to strike. Reynaldo said the Ifrit tried to hit Ivan a few times as he and Jean-Claude hurt him a few times. Finally, the Ifrit connected with a punch, but not on Ivan. The Ifrit struck Cain across the mouth, and then exploded.

Reynaldo: That was fucking cool!
Ivan: This is the best armor ever!

The Wall of Fire came down with Ifrit's destruction and we all started running away from the mountain. After only a few minutes, the volcano blew its top. We could here the lava rushing behind us as the forest exploded and died. Anna snuck a few glances back and saw that the lava was gaining. She took to the air and let us run past her about 250 yards. She then cast the Earthquake scroll and the ground under her cracked and rent. Large fissures developed and the lava flowed into them. She flew back to us and we kept running. Cain, knocked back to lucidity, yelled into Ivan's ear the entire time about how much that punch had hurt. Ivan laughed and laughed.

We ran for a solid hour, until we were reasonably sure were safe. We stopped, panting, just as the ash started to fall like snow. There were ridiculously large grins plastered across all of our faces. We set up our tents and rested while Ivan kept watch, still laughing.

/*What didn't happen today? Nobody from the party died, that's what.

Talking to Cain
Wednesday, May 16th, 988 AD

Reynaldo told the party what had happened to him when the Succubus had feared him. Instead of running around like Anna had, Reynaldo's tooth had pulled toward the mushroom people. As soon as he set foot in their lands, he instantly felt calmed, without a care in the world. A mushroom man came up to him and mistook him for Cain.

Reynaldo: No, I'm not Cain. Actually, my friends and I are looking for Cain. Do you know where he is?
Mushroom Man: He lives up that way, where you came from. He currently has some houseguests. We don't like them very much.
Reynaldo: Them? As in, more than one?
Mushroom Man: Yes, there are as many of them as there are cycles in the circle.
Reynaldo: An infinite number!?
Mushroom Man: No. There's about six.

The mushroom man offered Reynaldo a drink, which made him feel better. He asked for seconds and got it. The man led him deeper into the mushroom kingdom, and as that's where his tooth was pulling him, Reynaldo followed. He entered a room that was full of mushroom men. Reynaldo stood over the spot where his tooth was calling him and was then told that the Mushroom King was coming. When the king showed up, all the mushroom men bowed and Reynaldo got on one knee. He bowed and dug with his fingers at the same time, and pulled up another magic tooth. He palmed it when he stood back up.

Mushroom King: What brings another human into our realm? Usually, it's only Cain asking for food.
Reynaldo: My friends and I are actually here to save Cain.
Mushroom King: Save him from what?

Reynaldo wrestled with his conscience, trying to slap it down and feel nothing, but could not in the end.

Reynaldo: I gotta level with you, Your Highness. There are Jotens in other parts of this mountain, and they're looking to make the volcano erupt.
Mushroom King: Oh dear. What shall we do?
Reynaldo (muttering): I'm gonna regret this. (louder) Some of my friends and I can fly. We could ferry you and your people across the lava and you could run out with us.
Mushroom King: But, there are thousands of us.
Reynaldo: Really? How big is this place?
Mushroom King: No, no. I thank you for your offer, but I think it's time for the end of the Mushroom Men.
Reynaldo: Are you sure? (leaning in to whisper) We could just take you and the royal family, if you'd like.
Mushroom King: I cannot leave my people.
Reynaldo: You're a better man than I, Your Highness. Listen, I have to go help my friends. They're probably getting shredded out there, and will need my help.
Mushroom King: You're a better man than you give yourself credit for. Go. Help your friends. I need to be with my family.

Reynaldo ran out with a cold, hard feeling in the pit of his stomach. He saw Shara looking for him, and heard the commotion that Anna had started, and he put that cold, hard feeling next to the one he had felt when his parents were murdered, and next to others he had felt in history still not told, and he again got ready save the world.

In the morning, after healing, Reynaldo knocked out another of his teeth and placed the new one next to his water-breathing one. Both dug in deep, and Reynaldo was fairly certain that the only way to remove them now was over his dead body, whether he willed it or no. He tried a variety of exercises, but could not figure out what the new tooth did. He could still breathe underwater, so he was pretty sure the new tooth wasn't cursed or anything. He filed it away for later.

The party then all talked to Cain before deciding what next to do.

End of Chapter Thirty